Facing The Past (MattTord)

Chapter 1: Terrorised Thoughts

I have to get out of here. This cold place that sparks my memories. Those cold memories. The pain I went through. The torment my friends went through. It terrorizes my every thought. Bombards my every dream, turning it into an unspeakable nightmare I have no control over. The same pictures flash in my mind. Over and over again.

Me standing over all the rest, only seeking out power and dominance. Then the clang of the harpoon as it rips through the metal; it fills my ears. I can't escape what follows. A devastating explosion, one that destroys the tendons in my right arm. Making me unable to use or feel in it again. The blood trails behind me as my shadow follows me. I watch as the sunset sinks behind the horizon, just as my heart sinks deeper into my chest. My cold desolate heart. As my arm is bandaged, I wince at the pain. I shoo those two away, wanting to be alone with my thoughts. I then look down at a picture of us; Edd, Matt, Tom and I, all standing together. We're all happy, smiling. Not having a care in the world. I then cry as I realise I've lost everything. My arm. My sanity. My friends. My family.

I stared down at my arm, looking sadly at it. The red surface shone dimly in the yellowed lights, the matte finish taunting me. It only reminded me of that day. The day I constantly think and dream about. I felt the tears building up at the corners of my eyes but I just wiped them away. Nobody else was going to do it for me. I felt that I was going to cry. I didn't like crying. It made me feel weak. Insolent. Unable to control my softer side.

I looked up to the stars, the open window tempting me to flee. The stars glinted before me, the night sky tinged a faded blue with purple and green accents near the horizon. I then thought of my friends. I held my hand over my eye, trying to stop myself from crying. But I just couldn't. The thought of how my friends dealt with the pain made me break.

I cried into my hand, stifling the sobs by biting into my sleeve. I then ran to my bed, hugging my knees underneath the sheets. I was warm, but cold at the same time. After crying a bit, I managed to be able to see between my tears. I then saw three pillows, all stacked neatly above each other. I snatched the pillows, pulling all three up to my chest. I smiled softly, kissing each one, apologizing for everything I'd done.

I snuggled under the sheets with the pillows, hugging them tightly. I enjoyed hugging the pillows, but I wished it was the real Edd. The real Matt. The real Tom. I wished they were real, just so I knew that they'd hug me back and wipe my tears away, instead of relying on myself to do it.

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard two sets of feet tapping on the floor. They came close to my door. Closer. Closer. I knew who it was. I knew they'd scold me for not resting. Call me crazy for hugging pillows. So I fell back onto the pillows that were at the head of the bed, hugging the other pillows tightly under the covers. I squeezed my eye shut, praying that it would work. Praying that the thundering steps would fade away. Fade away into nothingness.

But how wrong I was. The door slowly creaked open, at least from what I could hear. I opened my eye slightly, and there stood the looming figures of Paul and Pat. I shut my eye quickly, hoping they hadn't noticed. They hadn't. I slowly peeked out of my eyelid again, wondering if they were gone. They weren't. They just... stood there. Not moving at all. I then heard sniffling, followed by Pat's sobbing. Paul couldn't do anything but hug him tightly, stroking his hair.

I wanted to know why he was crying. I wanted to tell him everything was okay. That he had no reason to feel pity. But I couldn't. I felt paralyzed. Frozen to the bed by immense fear and sorrow. It pinned me there, stopping me from sitting up at the most. I wanted to cry with him, show him sympathy. But I couldn't. Not now anyway. All I could do was hug my pillows tighter and pray that they'd leave so I could cry again.

Pat sobbed words. Words I couldn't understand. I didn't know whether that was because he was Danish or that was because he was sobbing at the same time. But Paul managed to understand it, uttering words back at him. I knew what he was saying. He was saying that everything was alright. That I'd be fine. But little did he know, was that I wasn't fine. I wanted to flee. I wanted to break away from the pain of the past and live a different future.

But then again, what could I do? I was still frozen. Still lost for words. Still running out of time. Just like the rest of the world. I knew that Pat would love me forever as if I was his son. But I just felt he didn't fit the father role I needed all my life. He tried to make me a better person but got little to nowhere past his goal. I still turned out like a twisted maniac, only led by desire and power. I felt the tears collecting at the edge of my eye, feeling the pain surging again.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to flee. I wanted to give up on everything. I knew that even if I went back to everyone else that I'd be left for nothing. I'd be pushed away, unable to turn back to my old family. Sure, Matt would forgive me. Tom, he's always hated me. Edd... he wouldn't. Not after what I'd done to him. I broke his heart. Tore him apart. Made him see what I truly was under that 'soft' exterior.

But I wasn't soft or loveable at all. I was hideous. Monstrous. Evil and unkind. Brought up in a bad place and forced to destroy my family. Just to get what I desired. I shouldn't have taken that path. I really shouldn't have. But what's done is done. It's in the past.

But nowadays I can't let the past go. It catches up to me when I want it to simply leave me alone. I wanted it to stop following me. Stop haunting me. Stop making me cry. That's all I'd ever wanted. It's all I'd ever needed. I needed the past to stop chasing me. Stop making me want to give up. That's it.

As soon as my thoughts had died down, so had Pat's sobbing. He nodded in agreement and left the room, glancing back at me quickly. Paul followed, smiling and closing the door behind him. The footsteps. They finally faded. Faded away into the nothingness I'd been seeking for those excruciating minutes of pain, tears and pondering about my fears.

But now I know what I have to do. I have to look the past in the face. Go back to my old life. Change things between me and my family. Ask for forgiveness and pray that I wasn't shoved away.

I packed my bag, shoving clothes and other things into it too. I hoped I wasn't being too loud, but right now I didn't care. I needed this. I need it now.

I looked out the window, seeing the glimmering stars. I'd follow them home. Find my family again.

I knew Paul and Pat would miss me, but it's time for me to flee. It's time for me to be free. Break away from these chains. For good.