learning how to be okay.

"How are you feeling to day Aubrey? asked Dr.Brown

"Fine" wanting to keep it simple even though this answer would only lead to more questions. I wasn't ready to answer it truthfully.

"Fine? Do you think you can give me a little more then fine? Remember I am only trying to help you. I am not your enemy here."

"No. I cant give you more then okay because that's how I feel. I know your trying to help but I don't need any. I just want to be left alone."

After that we just stared at each other not knowing what else to say. This always seems to happen after the first question. Why couldn't they understand that I just wanted to be left alone. That I needed to be left alone.

"Okay how about we call it a session? see you next week Aubrey." And she sends me my way with a sad smile.

I think Dr.Brown doesn want to help me but I'm not ready to let any one in yet. I can't it would be to soon.

"So how was it sweetie?"

"It was the same as every week mother." And at this I feel like the biggest jerk in the world. My mom is amazing. She has always been the best mom and always supported my decisions. We used to have a great relationship but since his death I blocked out every one.

"can we see him today?"

"yeah sure. do you want me to go with you or stay in the car?"

"Stay in the car. Please?"

"Of course sweetie" she looks at me with a sad smile playing on her lips.

That's the last thing I want. pity. I cant handle it even though I'm sure she means well that doesn't change the fact that its unnecessary.

The drive to the cemetery was quite as usual. my mom and I never talk any more so when ever we are together for long periods of time it gets uncomfortable. When we finally reach the cemetery I get out of the car say that I'll be right back even though we both know that I wont be back for a while and my eyes will probably be bloodshot red from all the crying.

Reaching his tombstone is the most emotional part. I cant stop the tears that have decide to go free. I drop to the ground and just lay there. Thinking of the last time I saw him smile.

"Why did you leave me Anthony!? I love you! I need you! I feel so lost without you here by my side! I miss you so much! This wasn't suppose to happen to use! We were suppose to finish high school, get married ,and start a family! You said you'll never leave me! You left me Anthony and now I just feel so empty inside!"

Not being able to take any more of it I got up and walked back to the car. My mom didn't ask any questions and for that I am grateful.

When we finally make it home I run straight to my room ignoring my dad, brother, and sisters and go to my bed and cry my self to sleep.

That night I dream of Anthony. My beautiful dead fiancée..