learning how to be okay.

The rant about life.

Today was the day I had to return to school. My mom had gotten me up at six in the morning screaming like a banshee. I have been dreading this day since I had declared to Val that I would return to school the following week. I'm still trying to figure out who was more surprised by my decision my parents or myself. This is how the conversation went with my parents.

* Parents conversation*

" Mom I have decided I want to return back to school." I said with a shaky voice. The table went eerie silent as they thought of things to say. I knew I had drop a huge bomb on them, but i knew it was time. They even knew it was time that I stop moping around the house, in fact they were sick of it. 

" Aubrey are you sure? This is a big deal and I wouldn't want you to go and then decided never to go again because someone said something wrong." My dad said with a stern voice he ever only used when it was something serious we were talking about. 

"Hunny...are you positive about this?" I could tears clouding the rim of her eyes, as she held the heartbreaking sob threatening to come out if I didn't reassure her that this was for the best. I knew what she was thinking, that she couldn't get her hopes up of me getting better only to come back down crashing, only harder then before. 

" Mom I know this sounds crazy especially since only a few days I was crying my eyes out questioning why I had deserve pain this heartbreaking, but I need this. I need to be a teenager again. This wont be easy I can tell, but a bigger part of me wants to try this life thing again. When Anthony was around he was my life, he was my everything, I would feel lost if I was gone from him even for a few seconds, now he is gone permanently and I am destroyed. Shattered to pieces that I have to mold by myself. School can give me that chance, i'm not saying that everything will be okay within a matter of days, no days are only going to get harder, and nights will become longer but this is my life and its time I take back control over it." I had let out the breath I was holding as I finally opened up to my parents for the first time in months. Anthony had only been gone for a couple of months and I could already feel myself letting him go. That thought alone had me wanting to go run and hide under my covers until I was floating in my own self-pity. 

Only I didn't do it. I sat there in the chair at the kitchen table looking at my mother who had silent tears running down her face. Then I turned to my father who had pride floating around his eyes probably wondering when did his baby girl become so strong. Truth is i'm not strong, i'm weak without Anthony, but he wasn't here anymore and I was. I was all alone to put up with my emotions, my thoughts.  Sometimes I really resent Anthony for leaving me all alone, but that usually around midnight when my thoughts are slowly killing the little bit of my soul that I have left. 

" Oh Aubrey thank you, thank you for trying again. Thank you for not giving up.." My mother had screamed out as she left the kitchen table with tears racing down her tired face. 

" Your mother is just a little overwhelmed love. I'm sure she's fine. She's just happy that's all." My father had told me. While I barely heard a word he said after he called me love. My father hasn't called me that since Anthony had died, not since I fell into my miserable depression. I had said goodnight to my father in a dazed that lasted until I got into my room and thought about life.

I guess life was already changing, just by that simply declaration my father has became the same person who used to be my best friend. Not everything is revolving around Anthony anymore, is this how its supposed to be? I don't know, but I am hoping so. Maybe within time I could let him go in peace and not hold on to the hurt that stayed with the memory of him. No I want to be free of the pain that came with Anthony and instead smile at the memory of us holding hands at the park, or having a picnic before laying down to watch the night sky light up with stars while hold each other whispering how lucky we are to have each other. 

I was to start school that following Monday, the thought had turned my stomach inside out, but I knew that i needed this. This would be my first time at school without him, the thought bring tears to my eyes, he would't be there to kiss me before class, or us holding hands as we walked down the hallway together. Life had started to change, and I only hope i'm strong enough to survive it without falling to pieces.