The Void

1

*Two months ago*

"ANNA!" 

I clenched my jaw and got up from my chair in my room. 

"coming" I yelled

"Tell her to shut up, I'm sick of hearing about it. She's going on about how I broke her leg again" 

I stared at my mother. Her red eyes stared back at me.

"Mum, be quiet" My voice is barly above a whisper.

"TELL HER"

"Mum, j-just stop please" 

I reverted my attention to my father. and swallowed in hopes that this night would just end that all nights like this would.

"She's just taking your side because she afraid of you" screamed my mother. 

"Thats bull**** Karen and you know it" he yelled back. 

"Do you want me to take you to the hospital are you having another psychoses again? Is that it"  

I felt tears brim in my eyes. Just Great.

"Or maybe you'll just call the cops again?" 

"David! You just beat her up, because you caught her listenig to music, I can't live with this anymore!" I heard my mother whimper.

"I f***ing told you Karen, I didnt even hit her that hard. I cant even discipline my child anymore."

I gulped. rubbing the newly forming bruise on my thigh from an hour ago.

"This is your fault Anna, Do you see what you've done"

I stared at him feeling numb after 17 years of living with this i was used to it by now. 

"Karen, get in the f***ing car. I'm telling your doctor to rise your dose again"

*******

I wake up in a cold sweat, blinking rapidly to clear my blurred vision and focus in the darkness. I swallow dryly muttering to myself, "it's just a dream Anna" No. not quite a dream but rather a memory rather a way for mind to torture itself.

Some say you are born into this world with in-built personality traits, I don't believ it. I believe that your past defines you. at least that's what I tell myself. because who I am now cannot be who I really am. Perhaps my past has just made me like this. this isn't me. But what is? 

I dreamt of my family, the last time I saw them. My Father was on his way to take my mother to the hospital. She opened the door and tried jumping out, and my father lost control of the car. Killed them both. 

I jumped when a knock sounded at the door, 

"Anna? Honey are awake" asked Ruby. 

"yeah" 

"Okay well get dresses and come down, don't wanna be late for your first day of school"

"Ok"

Ruby's my foster Mum. after the accident two months ago she took me in.  Today is my first day of school ever. I was previously home schooled, which I partly blame for my social anxiety. I was trapped, in my bedroom for hours on end everyday with little to no connection to the outside world. My father was obsessed with money and his egotistical ways meant I had to be Einstein to live up to his standards, not that I ever reached them. 

I get out of bed and my feet are met with the cold floor of my bedroom as I make my way to my closet. I grab some skinny jeans and a sweatshirt and trow them on. I hear Ruby's voice trailing upstairs as I through my hair into a messy bun. The smell of waffles Awakens my taste buds, I could never get used to this. 

"Hey Sweetie" 

"Hi" I barley whisper. 

My stomach felt worse as the time for school edged closer. My hands were clammy and my breathing ridged. And by the time I got on the bus I was a mess. A chill goes through my spine as I muster enough courage to look up for a moment in order to find a seat. I feel every stare and try to shake the feeling off. I slid myself into the closest seat I could find and took a deep breath. 

I am a void, an empty space. invisible. no one can see my mistakes. I am safe. I chant to myself in my head. but it doesn't stop. I feel Goosebumps rise on my body but I feel like I'm burning up. I feel lightheaded and unfocused, but so aware all at once. I notice every detail, from the girl at the front sneaking glances my way and speaking to her fried to the boy two seats up from me tapping his fingers on his leg repeatedly. My eyes dart all around me eager to take in all surroundings but trying desperately to notice none of it and be unnoticeable.  

I close eyes, and when I open them again time seemed to regain its speed. I can do this, I can do this. this is what I want, what I dreamed of during those endless night s of tortue. to be normal, have a normal life, go to school, have friends and now that I have the oppitinituy I have been longing for my whole life am I going to let it slip by? No. I will live. For the first time I will try to live. I won't let my past self down, this year I will find who I am, I will try and fix myself.