Chance & Time

Chance

I'm weird. Wait, no, that's not the right term. Ah, I... I am stupid. Yeah, that's more appropriate.

And I like you. Oh, don't think that I like you because I'm stupid but, ah, I... really... I stupidly like you.

I don't know if this is already love but I know for sure that I like you alot. Sorry, I'm stuttering. I don't really know what to say or how to start this.

I first saw you at the elevator banks at the company. That was three years ago. Maybe you won't remember but I do remember it vividly. The elevator was crowded and I'm the last one to get in. And you're outside, probably waiting for someone? Our eyes met and I felt the sadness in your eyes. Like they're telling me something. Funny thing, I even dreamt about you that night. And, yeah, it's not love at first sight, I know. 'Cause as you said, there's no such thing as love at first sight.

At first, I'm just curious about you. I want to know your name. I want to know why you look so sad. I want to know how to make you happy. But it's not right. This is not right. I have a girlfriend and we've been together for five years.

The next day, I didn't saw you. I tried to find you but I failed. Maybe, it's for the better. Nothing good will came out of my curiousity. But then, the day after next, I saw you at the locker area. Your locker is near mine. My heart beated faster than the usual that time. Like it might explode anytime if I look at you again. I just pretended that I'm doing something with my phone and ignored you. But at the back of my mind, your picture is already there, smiling at me, sadness erased.
I tried everything not to be attracted to you. But what can I do if my heart is beating for you?

I've spent most of my free time at the locker area, hoping to see you. Every chance I get to see you, I secretly stare at you. I don't know if you noticed it because you barely look at people around you.
You can call me a stalker 'cause I've memorized your very predictable schedule. You always arrive at exactly 6:45 AM, leave the locker area after 5 minutes, spend the 30 minutes of your lunch break at the cafeteria, get back to the locker area to get your stuff and go back after 15 minutes, check your phone for 10 minutes and get back to work. I merely see you during your short breaks. I don't know where you're spending them. Until one day, seats were reshuffled. I was a bit close to your seat and my seatmate is one of your closest friends. Then, I found out where you're spending your 15-minute breaks - chit-chatting with your gay friend, my seatmate.

I wanted to talk to you everytime I see you but I can't and I won't 'cause if I did, I can't stop myself from liking you. Do I sound creepy? Sorry, I'm just telling the truth.

I spent a whole year just looking at you from afar. Then after a year, lucky me, one of our common friends introduced me to you. I beamed but you just smiled shyly, as expected. From that day on, we became friends. Are we friends? Or it's just me thinking that we are?

I always throw jokes whenever you're near, hoping you'd hear me and laugh. And that's who you think I am, the office clown. Remember when I tried asking you out? You just laughed at me. Maybe you thought, everything I said was a joke. But I'm seriously in love with you. I feel so sorry for my girlfriend but I'm admitting it now. I love you.

I did crazy little things for you. Like lending you a padlock for your locker even if that's the only one I have. I also lent you my umbrella saying that my house is just near and I can manage without it but I lied, I really soaked in the rain that day. I even wore a Tweety shirt after knowing it's your favorite character. Those were just a few of all the things I did just to make you smile 'cause I love seeing you smile. This is already what they called love, right? Being happy seeing you smile even if I'm not the reason of it.

I know this is wrong. But guess what I did? Despite of knowing it's wrong, I still stayed close to you. It's torturing but that's the only way I can satisfy what my heart wants. I know, you don't like me. But you're still single, right? Maybe, just maybe, in the future, we can be together. If there is a chance, I'll break up with my girlfriend. If I got that chance, you'll be able to read this letter or maybe I'll just tell you this whole thing myself. And if that chance stands still, I hope you'll let me love you.