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The walls seem to be closing in to crush me today, the darkness is getting greedy as well. My mind is playing tug of war with my heart trying to sway it. But my heart isn't wanting to move, so all I feel is pain.
Why? Why has my world become like this? A constant tug of war, a constant battle. Heart or head, which should you follow? Neither agrees with the other. And both have their share of darkness. Why can't there be a choice that leads to happiness?
Maybe because in my life I can only have small tastes of it? Little nibbles before it's yanked away from me.
I'm getting tired, this constant tug of war is going to drive me crazy. I'm losing my grip on the world I have created for myself. With the way things are, it won't be long before it comes crashing down on me. All the walls I have built to keep the smile on my face in public, the walls that keep my pain and utter sadness back. The walls that make me so lonely, but I had to choose. Loneliness or pain? And who wants to be in a literal world of hurt? No one. So I chose to be lonely, like a fool.
I have reached out before, trying to get a bit of stability by relying on someone... but when they saw the truth behind my fake smile they turned cold, they turned away. Can you imagine that kind of pain? Someone you thought cold help you, someone who said they would ALWAYS be there for you turning tail as soon as they see your demons.
People wonder why I can't trust anyone, how can you trust someone when everyone who promised you something broke every promise, and broke your heart in the process.
I admit, I love too quick. I love people too fast. And no, not the romantic love, a different love, a love that I'd do what I can to protect that person. To care for that person like family. I love so quickly because I have seen how quickly someone can leave your life. How quickly your life can go by. I crave to be loved, to be a part of a family.
But it stops there. Because in my head my mind battles with my hearts wishes, it whispers ever so softly "why would someone want to love you? Your own parents couldn't do that." And it convinces me.
