Catching up

Part 1: Dorian

"Tell me why I had to go through all of this to not learn a thing from it. It's gut retching. Tell me why I have to go through all that bullshit that you gave me to sort through to get nothing in return. Tell me why I had to sacrifice my whole God damn life to just attempt to make you happy. Which I of course failed to do so. Because you just fucking left. Just fucking packed your bags, left shit in my room that wasn't that important to you, like me for a stupid example, and fucked off to a place you knew I wouldn't get to and you still had to guts to tell me that you hope you being there wouldn't stop me from going there." I thought again for what must've been the millionth time this week alone. Did he even care? Probably not. No one does. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of getting disappointed.

Did he even go to the place he said he was going to? Who knows, to be honest, you can't even trust a word that slithered passed his lips. It must take a mastermind or some kind of genius to figure out the reasons behind all of this. I'm still not over it and it's eating me up. I'm sick of seeing your fucking face in my head Dorian. I'm sick of thinking about the few semi-good memories I had with you.

Dorian Amsel you asshole. I regret meeting you. I sigh and smell the incense burning in my room, my mother always hated the smell but I find it rather pleasant. If he was here now, he'd say I'm being bitter. Of course I'm bitter you fool. Get out of my head for a change. I hate giving him the satisfaction of thinking about him. He's probably sitting on a balcony somewhere drinking a beer knowing I'm thinking about him and smiling at how pathetic I am. And just thinking about that makes me even more pathetic.

I'm picking myself apart again and one of these days I'm going to pick myself broken. I grab tufts of hair that are resting on my shoulders and tug at them softly. "You threw me away," I catch myself thinking. "And you did it because you knew you were leaving this place, you knew you were going to leave me behind." I let my mind continue. So why not shatter me before you fuck off huh? He probably thought of it. He somehow tainted me in that way, basing my value off the distance between us and put me into another one of his stupid statics. Idiot. Why did I think that it would somehow be different? Why did I think I would be somehow different?

I start to feel the dreadful warm feeling of tears swelling in my eyes. I spent months thinking it was my fault he did that to me. I guess I was better off in an empty room. Dorian hang me in the closet with the rest of your out grown things or better yet throw me in the trash with the rest of your used up things. Miles and miles separate us but I still feel you like some painful ulcer. I'm some stupid pair of shoes that you walked holes into the soles and that you didn't even look down to see them. Tell me how he can just use someone because I can't wrap my head around it.

I look out my room window and stare down to the street beneath my apartment. The rainy weather seeps up any colour from the earthy orange autumn leaves that are clutching on to trees for dear life. I see people walking down the street, probably going out for a drink at the bar around the corner. I glare down at a couple holding hands and pressing up against each other as they sit shivering for their taxi to pick them up. I look across the street into the other apartment block. It's old Gothic looking balconies and roof reminds me of a past time that must have been much simpler to the time I am in now. Which is in a sense is pointless because everyday, life gets more complicated.

This moment in time is the simplest time I'll have until the future becomes the present, which is constantly. Something I taught Dorian, even though he thought I was a hopeless case of naivety. I look down at the couple again and they start kissing as if to shove it in my face how angry I am at their existence. I've never been in love before and it feels like they know it. I sigh again and close the curtain. "Stupid people" I say softly.

"More like stupid you." I hear Dorian saying in my head. Damn it get out of my head Dorian Amsel. "I fucking hate you. Do you know that? You trout." I say out loud. I get up and extinguish the incense stick. Looks like it's going to be a long Friday for me again. I scratch my arm and look at my bedroom door covered in sticky notes. 'Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt' is written on a green note in Dorian's handwriting. Yeah yeah, you liked books, I get it. You didn't even read that one dick. I liked books too, even before you invaded my life.

The way he wrote always seemed otherworldly. He probably was an alien looking back, he was always so God damn clinical and cold. While I've always been the epitome of human emotion. I'll cry for anything. I wonder if he even misses me slightly. Of course he doesn't, he's Dorian. Nothing and no one worries him at all. Especially me. I grit my teeth and clench my fists. My stomach tenses and I feel a tear run down my right cheek. "No one would anyone worry about me in general, let alone him." I whimper.

I'm too young to be let down this much.

I grab my coat and throw it over my bare shoulders and zip it up. I walk out my room and go down to the kitchen. The apartment feels so empty. I go to the small balcony and stand outside barefoot and look at the street again. I've got so much to be thankful for and yet, I'm stuck in pity. I go back inside and slide my feet into my boots without socks and go out the front door. I walk out my warm apartment into the freezing stairwell. It looks so grey and dull. It's so different to my apartment, I hate dull colours so my home is always bright and warm.

I stuff my hands into my pockets and wind down the stairs to the ground floor. I walk out the main entrance and step outside onto the sidewalk. I've  been here for 3 months and it still feels like it's my second day. Needless to say it takes a while for me to settle in.

I walk down the street and see a crowd at the bar. Probably a football game going on. The road is still new for me, I've been so used to paved brick roads and tar that cobblestone still feels like a fairytale. The roads are so narrow and the houses are so unbelievably packed up against each other. It's claustrophobic to see how many people live in one tiny space together.

The buildings look so old and charming. The streets are so clean and people are so quiet even at a rowdy place like a bar. I walk past the bookstore and then the library. The place I met him. I walk faster to pass the place without bursting into tears. I start running towards a park I normally go to when I've got nothing better to do, it's weird living in a house that doesn't have a garden. Not even a small patch of grass.

I stop and look at the bus stop. The bus arrives in 3 minutes. Screw the park. I'm going to take the bus till the end of its line. I hop on and buy a day pass with the scraps of change hidden in my coat pockets. I sit down at a window seat and look out the tinted window. I live in a beautiful city. I live in a beautiful country. And all I can think about is an ugly person.