Ethereal

four - opening

Ethereal - Chapter 4 - Opening

Ocean's point of view

I feel lost. Empty. Alone.

I feel as though nobody has ever been here for my entire life. I feel as if I were to actually drown and die, that everyone would just have fake empathy for me.

They wouldn't feel bad for me. They would just mention how stupid and idiotic I am. They would find every possible way to put the blame on me.

I'm just a big mistake. My entire life is. I'm such a mess up, and that's all I'm ever gonna be known as.

I'm never gonna make it in this world. I'm never gonna be the person that everybody loves.

I hate myself. I literally hate every inch, every bit, every cell. I hate my entire self and that will never change.

I do appreciate Luna though. She is pretending to care about me very well. Better than everyone else ever has. Usually when they're angry, the truth finds its way out.

Luna has offered me so much more than everyone else. She stopped to save me. Most people would've kept walking, minding their own business, or avoiding my problems. Luna did the complete opposite.

I'm just so broken. To most people broken is just slightly damaged, but to me, it's so much more than that. It's completely torn into little bits and some pieces are permanently gone, you cannot get them back. There's huge gaps and nothing seems to fill them. It's like finding a needle in a haystack.

2 years ago, the people I used to call 'parents', kicked me out. Not even having a small amount of care regarding where I was gonna go, if I was gonna be able to eat, if I had any cash, and most definitely if I was safe or not. They didn't care.

They did have their reasons though. I was depressed, tremendously depressed. It was to the point where all I could think about was death, or grabbing a hold of a knife. I was strongly addicted to the thought of suicide, and I had attempted more times than I can count.

They did all they could to help me, such as taking me to church, and placing me in the mental hospital. So it's safe to say that at some point they actually did care, but after a while they just gave up on me. I was too much of a hand full.

The cause of the start of my depression was when my best friend committed suicide. Nobody saw it coming, not even me, and she was my best friend. I felt awful, I still do. I wish she could come back and tell me why. What made her decide to do this.

My parents knew about her death, they didn't seem to care so much. I would spend whole days crying, and all they had to say was, "Don't cry over her dumb decisions". I'm starting to understand why she chose to kill herself now. There's probably many more reasons, but one of them perhaps was the fact that life is hard.

It's tiring pretending to be happy and it's tiring of wishing you were truly happy. Struggling to fight battles with yourself is even harder, you don't seem to ever win. Nobody sees that though, because it's all on the inside. Where you're forced to keep it, because you know that if you show it, people will put it against you as a weakness, and others will say they have bigger problems and belittle yours.

I miss her more and more every day that slowly passes by. She was so beautiful, gorgeous really. Her name is Auden. Auden Atlas Anderson. I miss her soft skin and her silky hair. I miss her shoulder that smelled like a field of sunflowers, the one that all my tears soaked into.

I miss her gentle, melodic laugh. The one that was contagious to me.

She was my best friend, but she was also my lover.

We weren't actually together, it was more of a crush, but through all the years we spent together, it was like we were actually a couple.

The moment I lost her, was the same moment I lost myself.

Now that I can't get her back, I'll never be able to get back myself either.

So 2 years later, I was staying with this guy named Blade, who used to go to school with me. He was really sweet, although he is an alcoholic and there have been times when he's lashed out on me for no reason at all, which is another thing that lead me to PTSD.

Before that, I stayed in shelters, but not for long. I stayed out on the streets too, but I have many regrets and bad memories. There were multiple times where people thought I was just another fake homeless person begging for money. So they thought it would be funny to act like they're gonna give some money and never actually handed it to me. Just getting my hopes up.

Not only that but some people also abused me physically. Kicking me harshly in the stomach calling me words such as 'fag' and telling me to quit acting. Just people who made my depression worse.

It's been years and i still haven't heard from my parents. They truly don't care. They decided enough is enough. and really gave up on me, like I had no meaning to them whatsoever.

It's 4 am. I'm laying beside Luna in her comfortable bed. Her existence is something that makes me want to keep going. She barely knows me, yet she's taking the risk of letting me stay here.

She's even taking me on little adventures with her. She's absolutely adorable and stunning at the same time.

She has similar things that remind me of Auden. All I know is that Auden cannot be replaced. Nobody will ever have the same connection with me like she did.

Everywhere I go, Auden follows in my heart.

It's like whenever I look over at Luna, my little, damaged heart seems to speed up just a little, and my lips crack a slight smile. It quickly fades away when I realize that she isn't Auden, nor will she ever be.

I can't stay here with Luna for much longer. I have to make a plan.

I got it..

I'll stay here for a few more days.

Eat good, to help raise my health conditions.

Get lots of rest so I'll be energized for when I'm on my own again.

Tell Luna I'm so grateful for her and everything she has done for me.

Then leave.

And never return.

This is what Auden would want. She was hurting enough when she was living, and I need for her to be happy and feel no more pain, even now when she's gone.

I really hate that she's gone.

I feel like such a horrible, disgusting human for letting her go so easily. For not being there when she needed me most. For being so dumb and naive. For not knowing how messed up this world really is, and how it treats you.

If I knew what all of this pain was like, I would've saved her. I would've been more understanding and approachable.

I look over at Luna one last time. She's sound asleep.

The moon still peering through her slightly opened curtains, glowing against her face, making her appear as an angel.

I wiped the wetness from my cheeks and slowly fell asleep myself, thinking of all the good times of me and my best friend, and imagining she was right beside me.