Risk

Secrets

Kwite laid on his bed, it was messy and unmade. His blankets where all tangled within each other, he had his plate from earlier next to him, not a crumb left. He knew it was a mess, but he took comfort in the clutter. He knew exactly where everything was and it was conveniently within an arms reach of him. He snuggled more into his blankets and scrolled through his phone, Twitter was boring and slow tonight sadly, he grumbled a bit and exited from the app. He stared at his home screen and smiled a bit. The picture was of (left-to-right) Diesel, Brandon, and Kwite, however, Kwite just cropped out Diesel, so it was just Brandon and himself.  The picture was used on the Pullover Podcast episode #12. 

He chuckled, he was so small compared to Brandon, but to be fair, Brandon was ginormous. When they hugged for the first time, he completely towered over Kwite, but, his face was perfect height to be at his chest. That was the first time he ever heard the heartbeat of another human being, the sound was oddly comforting to him. He wanted more, he needed more. He let his guard down around Brandon after that. He constantly asked Brandon for hugs, when they were alone of course, and Brandon would laugh and happily oblige. 

Kwite's smile faded slowly into a small frown, he knew how stupid that was, but he just couldn't help himself, it made Kwite feel warm. These feelings, they were all so knew and so beautiful. He couldn't even find words to describe them. He shouldn't feel this way, though, at least not about Brandon. Especially not about Brandon. 

They were best friends and they had been for a long while now. It wasn't a normal friendship, however. They stayed up talking all night about everything and nothing, they even slept in calls a few times, and when they would wake up, they'd tell each other good morning and just continue talking. And somewhere in between those talks, recording content together, and texting, Kwite fell for Brandon, and oh boy did he fall. Hard. No one knows, not Diesel, not Kappa, especially not Brandon.

Kwite let his phone fall on his chest and stared at the ceiling, letting out a long sigh. This secret weighed heavily on his chest, it's as if it sat there and pressed against his heart every time he thought about it.  It's been like this for months now, he got lost in his own thoughts for hours and hours, feeling every ounce of the pain of loving someone who could never love back. Kwite circled his thumb around his palm. Slow circles, it helped him relax. Brandon taught him that when he had a nightmare during his stay.

Kwite shook his head and grumbled, "God, it's like I'm 14 all over again. I'm completely boy crazy."

Buzz buzz.

Kwite let out a sigh before grabbing his phone and checking his notifications. The light from his phone caused his eyes to squint, he had to rub them before he could read them. Damn light, always blinding me. The notification was from discord, a DM from Diesel to be more specific.

FPS DIESEL: hey, we're about to record loud mouths in like 3 minutes, where are you? 

Kwite rubbed his eyes again and quickly got up from his bed, he had totally forgotten. Shit. He opened his phone and messaged him back.

Kwite: hey man, sorry, i just got lost in my own head. It's been happening a lot lately, tell Brandon to give me like 5.

FPS DIESEL is typing...

FPS DIESEL: you okay? do you want to talk about it?

Kwite bit his lip, he almost wanted to blurt everything out right then and there, but he with held himself. There would be no use telling Diesel that it was Brandon who ran through his thoughts every second of every hour. There was no use in telling Diesel that he wasn't comfortable in his own sexuality or that he wished he could change who he loved. Kwite sighed, he appreciated the gesture, but he couldn't just take the chance.