The Legend of GoldTalon (WoF)

I'm Sorry

Look, I know I said I'd have more chapters and such, better written, and a bunch of other promises.

I'm sorry for lying.

I know most of you who have this sitting in your library probably won't care, seeing as all of that happened about a year ago, and between now and then, I'm different. 

In the time I've 'been away' I've been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. You maybe wondering why I'm telling several people on the internet this whereas I feel uncomfortable telling my closest friends, but the thing is - I'm anonymous here. I don't need to see all of you every day of my life, and you don't even know my name.

I don't know what triggered my anxiety, whether it was the bullying at school (I know - cliche, but bear with me) or the constant pressure at dance and home. At school, it was people scribbling penner my art and erasing a study which I had been working on for days, people calling me a 'bad artist' or calling me a 'nerd', making fun of the fandoms and things I loved and practically obsessed over. At home, it was my parents yelling at me for not getting the A on a test, for not trying hard enough, for being 'lazy' or 'useless'. At dance, my teachers say that I don't care enough to fix a correction, that I don't have energy or that the team is only as good as the weak link and that the dance was horrible because I was the 'weakest link'.

It got to me and it stung. It hurt so bad I took out the hurt on myself. Needless to say, my parents found out, asked me why, got me a therapist. 

But it's not getting any better. I go home and feel sick to my stomach, I walk into school and feel like my skin is uncomfortable. I rethink every sentence before and after I say it, I cry when I hear happy songs because I just know will never happen to me, and I don't KNOW what to FEEL anymore. 

Every bit of happiness is stained with dread and even when I get good news or hear something good I want to break down sobbing. Hell, I even starting crying over a rip in my clothing I've been so over-emotional. I can't sleep at night, I can't get up in the morning, and everyone in my family and everyone tells me "Oh, everyone has anxiety. No one has it worse than anyone else. It's all in your head, so stop saying you have anxiety and depression as an excuse."

It BURNS when they say that. I cut because I'm not begging for attention - I'm crying for help. I'm not me, anymore, at least I don't think so. 

It's not getting better, and my mom keeps insisting that taking pills and anti-depressants are bad and will harm me, even though they give my brother all the tools he needs for his ADHD.

It doesn't matter, and I know a rant like this has no manner being in this book. I'm just sad, all the time.

My apologies-

Brooke. (Not Goldtalon)