*Middle bit has upsetting parts*
I have always known that I wasn't meant to have a desk job I have always preferred being creative and also over the years I have become pretty loud so around this time I decided I wanted to act and that's when I joined a drama school I had been there a few months already and after one term was finished I moved groups. I found myself.
I walked into the room a smile creeping onto my face as I see my friends already sitting on the floor waiting for group to start "sup weirdos". As the drama worker, Rebecca , begins to speak my friend, Daniel, leans over to speak to me " Rebecca said earlier on some girl is joining today she is just gonna be a bit late" this is interesting we haven't had a new person in a while. She walked in like a ball of energy as if her bright red hair was fuelling the fire in her. She was interesting and when we got paired up I found she was interested.
A few months later
Today was hard, the past few weeks have been hard ive been getting aggressively bullied and its getting to me. Its as if everyone is out to get me even my family and no one gets it. I wish i could just change everything, sometimes i wish i could disappear and not come back i mean who would care that much. Its getting to me more and more the words come like knives to my heart and i dont know what to do anymore my cheeks are constantly tear stained but i have got better at hiding it i dont want to be seen as weak. I have my two closest friends Maria and Louisa but i dont want to seem like im constantly depressed i dont want to burden them with all the horrible things running through my mind. I cant seem to do the simplest things without being ridiculed i sat down today in computing and someone thought it would be funny to ask how the chair hadnt broken yet it was a stupid insignificant comment but its the little things that hurt its the passing comments that make you want to run and hide. I came home and went for a shower my mum was in and i didnt want her to see me crying because she would ask me whats wrong and its hard to explain to someone that you hate yourself. I was standing there letting the hot water burn my skin a little when i picked it up i wasnt quite sure what i was planning to do but the nagging thought in my head that told me i should do it was louder than ever. I guess the bullying had caused me an immense numbness and i just wanted to feel something. i turned it round and round in my fingers before holding it against my thigh and in a diagonal motion dragged it upwards. At first nothing happened and i put it down but then i felt it a sharp harsh pain where the razor had left a bloody strip across my thigh and it hurt but i stood for a moment breathing in the pain thinking what to do next and trying to deal with the craziness in my head. i turned around and let the shower wash away the redness. I turned off the shower dried myself off and wrapped a few layers of toilet roll around the cut hoping it would work and then i got dressed went downstairs and pretended nothing had happened. Everything seemed normal except for the burning pain in my leg.
The next week
"So i want you to partner up for this excercise, take the stimulas of love and create a movement peice based upon it, we may or not perform it back lets see how time goes" Rebecca said as we all slowly shifted towards our closer friends in the group. Drama had been great whenever i entered that room i felt a massive sense of relief as if my whole week had been leading up to it. I had gotten closer to the red headed new girl her name was sasha she was a year older and i dont know what it was but i felt something when i was around her that i wasnt used to feeling i think i liked her and i think she liked me but i didnt understand because she was a she and i was also a she and this was unusual for me. I had only liked boys. I did like boys. But maybe i liked girls too ...
