why was he looking at me? why was I so awkward? what the hell is wrong with me? "Are you even listening to me" Louisa is looking at me, clearly pissed off, I guess I was meant to be paying attention. It's her birthday the next day and me and Maria are staying over. I try to pay attention but I can't focus my head is fuzzy and weird.
Louisa's was fun, not much happened, her brother and his friend sat with us for a while, Maria and Louisa were telling me about their recent conquests. It's so irritating that guys seem to just line up to pull them, were as I still haven't pulled anyone. Thirteen and still a "VL" that's depressing to say the least. But other than a constant reminder that no one finds me attractive, it was good.
Christmas was family filled and I got spoiled with presents as per usual. My parents have been separated since I was five so the good thing I get out of that is two christmas'. wow that's a depressing thing to be happy about but it is what it is I suppose.
I've been thinking about James a lot I don't know why I've never been like this before. I only met him that one time but I cant stop thinking about his smile and those eyes and its driving me crazy. School has just started back, guess my holly jolly christmas is over. Louisa keeps going to talk to James and every time she does it I happily come a long, which is a huge surprise to her as it usually takes a lot of convincing to get me to move from my spot. Every time I see him I feel myself holding back a cheesy grin. it's weird, he's kind of becoming a good friend, the more we talk in school the more I want to talk to him outside of school. He took my phone the other day and put his oovoo onto it. I have been pondering it, why does he want me to have it? probably cause he see's me as a good friend.
I'm walking alone down the corridor, looking at the stained glass of the art department windows when I here my name, I spin around to see James jogging up to me. Louisa isn't here, he wants to talk to me by myself. "Hey" I try to say as nonchalantly as possible. "Hey, can you help me with something", he says with a smile that looks like he is genuinely happy to see me. no one is ever genuinely happy to see me. "My tie is a mess and I am hopeless at fixing it without a mirror, could you help". I nod, I'm suddenly nervous, I know how to tie a tie, granted it took me far too long to learn, but I know how to do it. As I fiddle with the tragedy of a knot he has tied, I rest my arm on his chest and I can feel his heart beat, its beating fast. Why is he nervous? shit I'm probably too close. I pull away with a quick smile "sorted". We stand there for a minute and he looks like he is about to say something but as if she senses these things Louisa rushes over and joins us. She talks at a million miles an hour and as I try to keep up I can see him looking at me again. "We have places to be Evie" Louisa says as she grabs me by the arm and starts to pull me away. She whips around and throws her arms around James, then starts to walk off. "Don't I get a hug too" the words come out of my mouth but I don't know where they came from, It's probably the most confident thing I have ever said. He smiles and steps forward and wraps his arms around me and it lasts longer than expected but it feels like neither of us can pull away, but I do and I smile and I leave. As I walk away I don't have to turn around to know he's looking at me.
I'm pacing up and down my living room trying to build up the courage to enter a few words into my phone. I type it... then delete it at least ten times, before I finally send it and throw my phone on the couch. its a completely normal thing to ask someone, and not a big deal at all. I hear my phone buzz and run to it. I asked James for his snapchat and by a miracle I now have it. I add him and think of all the potential things I could say but don't. I sit crossed legged on my couch and ignore the overwhelming urge to text him, he probably doesn't want to talk to me anyway.
The next day I get home from school and I dump my bag at the front door and I slump down into the corner seat of the couch. My phone buzzes but I don't look for a few minutes. Today was not good. Usual but I feel like I am not allowed to be happy, I did my makeup this morning like every morning because I'm trying to hide my disaster of a face but I felt good. That didn't last for long when I was reminded, first period that I'm fucking disgusting and that I will never find someone because I'm big. I wonder why people feel the need to remind me of that every day. I cry for a bit because I need to, then I pull myself together. Through my slightly hazed vision, I look at my phone and at first I think I must be mistaken but then I blink and realise James has messaged me. I sit up and I feel better.
"hey".
"hey".
That's all it took to start it. we spoke all day and the next day and every day that week. He called me beautiful and smart throughout that time. He must be joking. Texting turns to a facetime which lasts a while. He makes me feel good, he's funny, kind and smart and good looking.
And I'm fucked.
I like him.
He can never know.
Louisa is gonna kill me.
