Discovering Bi(#WattPride)

Discovering Bi

So as many of my faithful followers know, I am not straight. I have known I wasn't since I was about fourteen years old. Some might say, "You can't know. You were too young." Unfortunately this might have been true. But we can get into that later in what I'm going to call a personal essay.

So first let me start by explaining why I'm writing this and not jumping on one of my many stories that need updated, fixed, or even started. So Wattpad has this campaign right now where if you write a story using the hashtag WattPride, it will donate a dollar to an LGBT help center. So me being personally involved, I wanted to help in anyway possible. So that is why I'm taking a small break from writing.

Now something else I should clarifty. For a long time, I thought I was pansexual. Which by definition means a person's sexual preference is not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity. But it didn't fit. I don't know why it didn't fit but it didn't fit. So I spent a lot of time during my high school years looking for something that did. Later I'll explain that I started off as identifying as bisexual but another person influenced me into believing I was pan when I really wasn't.

Bisexual is different very different then pansexual. Its the attraction to just two genders. Male and female. To some people, they believe it means the same thing. This is a form of panphobia and can be extremely hurtful to pansexuals. Its a way of making them disappear into the background. It denies them their existence.

But we're getting a little off track. Back to my coming out story. When I was eight years old, my school had this thing called the Fall Festival. Basically one girl got all dressed up in a nice pretty dress and walked out and was crowned the fall festival queen. They had a girl for every grade. Well this year, the girl crowned didn't know if she would be able to make it so they had the runner up (me) get all dressed up just in case.

While waiting in this third grade classroom, I couldn't help but think of how beautiful all these girls were. But after this I would immediately think, "But I'm not gay." Now of course this means nothing because a person can think of the same sex as attractive and not be gay. But this just felt different. So different that I felt the need as an eight year old girl to think, "I'm not gay."

This wasn't the first time and it wouldn't be the last time that I would have those thoughts but they didn't mean anything to me. To me this was a normal everyday thought to look at another person and appreciate their beauty. It wasn't until puberty that I noticed I was different from the other girls.

I didn't notice immediately. It was a slow process. It started happening in gym class. Now my school had a strict rule about changing in the bathrooms. It was super forbidden. You absolutely had to change in the changing room or you would get detention.

And if any of you have sisters, girlfriends, or moms, you know women just don't get changed fast. That was the problem I faced. I changed super slow. As did all the other girls. While in there I found that I stared a little too long at the other girls. The ones that were traditionally attractive. It didn't help that once they caught me staring they would bounce around in an attempt to embarrass me. They assumed I was just staring into space which I was to an extent. But my eyes would always travel to someone else in the room. And it always caused something to stir in places that I didn't understand.

I feel the need to explain. It was NEVER on purpose. I would never stare at someone I found attractive on purpose. That's wrong and creepy on so many levels. But I was a kid who didn't know I was attracted to the same sex. During this time, I was trying to understand myself and my fascination with other girls. I'm sure many of the people who fall on the LGBT spectrum would understand where I'm coming from. Or maybe they don't but either way please understand that I am not a pervert.

Its safe to bring up that during my middle school years, there was a girl who was two years younger then me. She had a crush on me and always made it known. Her sister also had a crush. I turned both of them down citing that I was extremely straight and didn't want to date them. I later felt bad during my high school years because as it turns out, I am defiantly bisexual.

Now by the 8th grade, I had pretty much figured it out. At this point I was watching porn (again not a pervert most people do it). I had learned that I liked both males and females and I was for the most part comfortable with it. It was who I was and I had always supported the LGBT community. Now it just made sense to me why I felt so passionate about it.

During middle school there was this new kid. Let's call him Jeff. Jeff was super christian and very in your face about it. He was new and I had a small crush on him so I made friends with him. We often clashed over the idea of same sex marriage. I supported it and he didn't. And as kids we made fun of him for being gay. We would tell him that he was just against it because he was in the closet and didn't want to admit it. However, it turned out Jeff really was gay. He came out our freshmen year of high school over some mash potatos and a hamburger.

It seemed to be a very difficult decision for Jeff and he seemed to struggle with it a great deal. So in an attempt to make him feel better, I rattled off, "Yeah and I'm bi'. It's not a big deal." And walked away with my tray like a boss.

I didn't realize the magnitude of my decision until several days later. And I was no longer comfortable with it. After I came out at that small table, I realized not everyone agreed with it. I could be disowned. My parents would kick me out of my home. I realized that what I had just done had changed my entire life in just a few moments. I had finally said the word out loud.

And I was scared shitless.

Jeff was also the one who encouraged me to explore my sexual identity and to lean more towards pansexual.

Fast forward to December of that year, and I was going on my first date with a great guy. Yes a male. Let's call him Jay. Jay was a lovely, smart, amazing friend who asked me on a date. I agreed. And while on this double date, the other girl was rattling off how she was bisexual. She was asked to prove it. That's when I said I would kiss her since I was also bisexual.

We kissed.

I saw fireworks. I know that's cheesy to say but I had a major crush on this girl. And she had a crush on me. And it was my first real kiss with a girl. So of course my hormones were out of wack. I was drunk on adrenaline and my first taste of freedom. I was high on the taste of that stupid cherry lip gloss she had. Oh that day was perfect.

Jay and I didn't work out and what followed was a bunch of horrible things that would eventually cause me to jump over the deep end into what I like to call the suicidal pit of despair. That's a story for another time.

Then my Uncle came out as Bisexual. I listened to my mom cry through the door of her bedroom because she was never going to get nieces and nephews out of him. I listen to her be so heartbroken. Then I listened to her biphobia about how being bi was just a cover up. That you couldn't like both sexes.

That didn't clear up when he came out as straight gay. No it only proved her point and furthered me into the closet.

Another thing I started to experience is Bi phobia. Now bisexual people tend to face more exclusion then the traditional homosexual and heterosexual communities. It is extremely hurtful and sometimes makes me want to lay down and just give up.

I've listen to a lesbian tell me she would never date a bisexual woman again because the first one cheated on her. That's a stereotype I'll never be able to shake. I've had people assume I'm straight because I'm with a guy. I've watched people tell me the B in LGBT+ doesn't belong there. That I didn't belong in the pride parades. I've been hit by radical Christians because I was an abomination that couldn't be allowed to continue.

Guys, I'm in a happy relationship with a guy but that doesn't mean I don't love woman. I didn't go through years of struggling with myself for someone to look me in the eyes and tell me I don't get to go to the pride parades. I didn't spend the better half of my life fighting for equality just to be rejected by my community.

I think as a community we should be more accepting of every one. I would like to end this on some advice for all of my bisexual friends. You are amazing. Your existence is there. Never let anyone tell you that you have to pick a side. You don't. Live strong my friends.