Like a Butterfly || YOONMIN (On Hold)

2) not good at lying

'Deep breaths, Jimin. Come on... deep breaths'

That was, like, my life motto.

That sentence was always present in my mind and subconscious thoughts. At any time of the day or night, at any moment or situation. Constantly appearing in front of anyone, whichever the conversation was.

I am doing my best to don't let it be notice, excusing myself with stressing work days or some self-planning brainstorms when it slips out. That sentence is always running out my tongue as a silent mumble; been one of many of my nervousness behaviors.

People are used to that. They have always known me like this... I have always been somewhat shy.

It might be true that in a matter of a year I have become more reserve and even antisocial. But, they are doing fine believing it's just momentary.

My circle of friends is dropping, quite a lot lately.

Nearly half of them still try to reach some contact to me, and I can only speak to 4 of the good half that I have left. That 4 only being my stepbrother, my dance partner, my dearest hyung, and Dae.

Dae Hwan, my boyfriend.

Indeed, the typical and cliche boyfriend type. At a simple view so caring and protecting with me... everyones says the envy our relationship. But little did they know how hard is it for me to even breath when I am near him.

'Deep breaths... remember'

I won't lie.

I used to be crazy in love with him, literally he was everything I had. Everything I ever wanted. But his once kind and gentle love has now turned into a rough one. Stabbing me with his words and acting if he is the one bleeding with an open wound. Pushing and tossing me around as a sex toy like he is just an innocent boy. Locking me only to himself, hurting me with insolation, and promising me that is only for my protection.

Threatening me in order to be quiet.

So, yes... that's not the love I was used too. But I guess is the one I am deserve now

These thoughts are always in me. The same personal conversation, the same responses.

The same topic. Even when I am suppose to be happy, I am really thinking about this.

About him.

Today is Monday, aka one of my only days of freedoms of the week. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I have my dance practices. And Dae just lets me be with them because he knows my anxiety will triplicate if I do nothing the entire week.

Yes, I dropped college.
Yes, I decline my scholarship.
Yes, everything because of him.

He pushed me into consider the idea of working for (not with) him. He plainly manipulate my younger self into leaving everything good that I had for my future. My parents home, my college education, everything. For what? Well, to be stuck in his tiny department.

I did not accept the idea of working next to him. I was truthly scare back then... a 18 years old me that had been cut off from his dream was not ready to enter to a large company. And not like a pitiful secretary.

I am a creative soul, I don't need to be stuck in a desk. I need my own freedom, my own art. And dancing is my calling... gosh I could even sing if I try. But, it's not that easy anymore. I am repressed. I am no longer free like I once was. I can't have my own decisions when I am no longer considered independent on my own.

And I cry myself to sleep every night because of that. Because every single day I ask the same question and he answers the same way.

He knows I am not happy anymore. Oh, he notice that more than a year ago...but he stills tries to keep me.

I have tried everything I could possibly think of. Online support and help, contacting a close friend, running away, everything. But it just turned out worse for me and my love ones.

Long short story, I am still trapped in what seems to be an infinite maze. No matter how much I run, the rules are clear: if I want to win this without hurting others or myself, I must be silent and continue to find a blind spot. But Dae just seems obsessed with me.

He knows I don't love him like I used to, he knows I am not happy. But he just wants me. A week ago I tried making him break up with me, but he just got violent. More like he ever has been before...

I couldn't go to my Wednesday and Friday practices. I couldn't even stand up the next day.

I know him, he often slaps me and even pulls my hair when we fight. But this time it felt like he was the only one fighting. He was, so... mad. So brutal towards me, he even force himself into me... like no other time.

He is quite... special in bed. He is the real dominant kind, and at the beginning of our relationship we were okay. I was okay. He waited for me to be ready, he was gentle, he treated me with love. But as time passed, something was off between us.

And I started to decline him... and he started to turned more and more aroused. Even to the point I no longer enjoyed it, and that every time I ended up crying for help or passed out.

And a week ago I lived the worst of those experiences. First, it was already bad with the fact that I did brought up the forbidden conversation; our break up.

It was really bad because he actually hit me with full force this time. No slaps, no pinching as warnings. Actual punches full of strength and pushings that made me hit my head and become dizzy. And as an addition, the forceful sex.

I took in a deep breath at the memory. I will not think about the 'r' word. No. I just won't accept it that way... he just. Dae just, he was just so angry, that's all.

But being honest, I thought I was going to die. And... I was relieved about that thought. But, he stopped when I was reaching my limit.

Everything stopped that moment, and I felt myself blackout.

And now, exactly 6 days before the fight, I am only going to dance classes because I need air. I need to see someone other than Dae. I need to at least see the dancers if I still can't bare with dancing fluently. I just need to focus on something else

I need a distraction, because I have now accept the fact that there is no turning back. There is no safety for me. Maybe that's just what I deserve, like Dae said.

At the end... he is always right, he always wins.

I quickly came off the bus and entered the building, hissing in pain as I looked the stairs I usually take. I sighed in surrender and decided to take the elevator, even if it was for the first floor.

I just wish that Hobi and Kook will keep it quiet with the questions. After all, I have plenty of appearing bruises that my rushed make up couldn't cover and, as a matter of fact, I am not good at lying.