Midnight Thoughts

Night 3

there I lay

blood soaked sheets,
tear stained pillows,
a once breathing girl,

now a lifeless vessel.

seeing myself this way was like some crazy dream I'd always had

it was so surreal, seeing your own body lay there,

motionless,

sad,

gone.

the sadness had ached my chest greatly that night,

my body had shook as I cried and as I thought of all the things I could do to myself,

i stared into the dark, searching for the courage,

Or maybe even Hope.

but all I found was my sadness,

my own self hatred and loathing,

my fear and my past,

manifested into a little girl,

asking if i could please please turn back the clock and try again,

i looked at her in her pretty purple dress,

it was lovely despite the couple stains.

she looked so sad,

I could tell from her eyes,

she was sad because,

because I was sad.

just two sad little girls we are

she asked me if I remembered the dress

i said yes, I'd always loved it,

to the point i slept in it every night I could,

it was my favourite.

i smiled sadly at her.

i think I need to go to sleep for awhile I whispered to her softly.

she knew what i meant

she knew she couldn't change this,

she came and laid down with me,

closing her eyes so tight.

As we both started to fade away,

I couldn't help but feel like I'd let her down,

I couldn't be the person she needed,

I couldn't be the person I  needed at that age,

I always said I'd be my best self when I was old,

smarter,

kinder,

braver,

the person who could look back and tell that little girl that we made it,

that we survived!

that we're happy,

but I just wasn't strong enough for that