Airhead

The Trouble with Hess's Law

I am a certified crazy person.

I lack empathy.

I carved calculus equations into my skin when I was 15 years old.

The world has no place for me.

*

When I open my eyes the first thing I think of is Hydrogen Fluoride.

Volatile, just like me, and I know that today will be one of those days. A day where my self-loathing is greater than my loathing of the world.

A day where all I think about is carving numbers into the wall, the ground, my flesh.

It is 4:30a.m.

Certainly enough time to kill one's self.

*

I don't kill myself.

I am submerged in the bathtub, gripping its sides, staring blurry eyed at the ceiling and yet when oxygen became a necessity,  I rose from the water, gasping for breath.

I think of mother, of her new husband, of her new step daughter, of her 5 month old son.

I think of how she stopped visiting the institution, of how the day I got out my Aunt Rita was there and not my mother.

I do understand, I am a genius after all,  when something is broken and can't be fixed, you get a new one.

I am weak.

I can't do it.

I...have to get ready for work.

*

I am contemplating the relativity of the Callan-Symanzik equation.

Nina is talking about boys.

"So, I think I'm definitely going on a date with Toby, because he respects me...I think, an-"

"How do you know this other douchebag doesn't respect you? Was he an asshole to you?", I interject.

If I'm being honest, Nina seems like the type of girl that some asshole would try to take advantage of.

She has big eyes, will talk to anything that stands still for more than 10 seconds, and says 'golly'.

"No, its just...remember what I told you? He's always touching me, but then he, like, ignores me in front of his friends".

He sounds like a dick.

'The gravitational force, and the electrical force, between two objects is proportional to the inverse of the distance between them squared.'

"Abby! Are you okay?"

I flinch, Nina's hand is an inch from my face.

I zoned.

Today is not a good day.

"Abby?" Nina questions, hesitantly.

Right. I'm having a bad day and Nina will not shut the fuck up.

"Don't you have friends you can discuss this shit with?"

Nina blinks, wide eyed and expression flickering.

"Oh...yeah, duh. Of course I do, I just thought I'd keep you company while you're working."

Bullshit.

"Bullshit."

What if perky, bubbly, friendly Nina, doesn't have any friends.

Nina watches my face for a moment, before sighing.