Let's Get Lost

VI. Ryan

LET'S GET LOST

VI. Ryan

        THE IMMINENT PAIN I felt after Johnny hung up on me was overwhelming. I couldn't stand the way he was acting toward me; I hadn't known his dad wasn't my dad, and I even apologized . . . it was as if I was officially dead to him. The way he spoke . . . his words etching drunk signatures into my soul made me itch my skin. I threw my cell phone onto my bed and stood, running my fingers through my wet hair. I couldn't bear to listen to myself any longer, and I knew that no one else could. No one else wanted to even look at me, be in the same room as me, let alone know me. John, Mom, Gerard, Ulysses . . . all of the ones I held dearest to my heart. They wanted nothing to do with me.

Especially Johnny. The man couldn't even hold a conversation with me. So, acting rationally, I called Nova. She had always been there for me when my own family wasn't. I guess I thought of her as a second family member; whenever Johnny tried to get close to her, I acted out, tearing up shit and beating him. Nova, to me . . . she was mine, and no one else's. I couldn't share her, I didn't want to share her.

"Nova?" my voice cracked, the desperation seeping out like toxins.

"Hey, Ryan," she said. I could hear the tiredness in her's, but she'd picked up, anyway. "You okay?"

I sighed, my lungs craving for a cigarette. I'd given my last pack to Gerard, who gave me money if I ever needed to get away. "I found out my dad isn't really my dad."

"What?" she asked incredulously. "What do you mean?"

"What the fuck do you think I mean, Nova?" I yelled, letting my anger unleash. The moment I said that, I immediately regretted it.

She huffed angrily, and I could tell I'd just annoyed her very much so. "I know you mean . . . I, that was stupid of me. Sorry."

"No, Nova," I said, anger threatening to spill out again. "My fault. I, um . . . I really need you right now. I know . . . I know I'm at my worst, right now, but if you could--"

"Of course, Ryan," she said gently. "Where are you?"

"Shady Inn."

"I'll be there as soon as I can, okay? Hang in there." She hung up after that, and I breathed deeply, rubbing the tiredness out of my eyes. I slipped on my pants and grabbed a pack of cigarettes and my lighter. Opening the front door, I walked outside and stayed close to my room, lighting up a cigarette and taking a long drag. I puffed out the smoke slowly, letting my lungs get the satisfaction they were desiring.

I finished the cigarette and threw the butt into the ashtray. A man from a couple rooms down walked outside, locking his door. He saw me, and I gave a reserved wave; he nodded his head at me very slightly and headed off for his car. I watched him peel out of the parking lot in a fit of anger -- something must have pissed him off.

Walking back into my room, I turned the air conditioning back on and locked the door for the night. I slid into the bed, letting the comfort of it take me away into a dreamless sleep.

I woke up around one o'clock in the morning to excruciatingly loud banging on the door.

"Alright, alright! I'm coming!" I growled, slipping out of bed. I opened the door to see Nova with a bottle of scotch.

She stared at me in awe -- or something like it -- and looked me up and down. I was in my boxers, my hair was messy, and I wasn't wearing a shirt. Her staring made me feel self-conscious, so I urged her to get inside. She placed the bottle on the nightstand as I slipped on a pair of sweatpants.

"Nice place," she remarked. "How much did you have to pay?"

"Doesn't matter," I muttered, opening the bottle and taking a swig. The taste was bitter, but it was something my body was addicted to. "Thanks for coming, Nov."