Let's Get Lost

VIII. Ryan

LET'S GET LOST

VIII. Ryan

        MY RELATIONSHIP WITH my brother would get wild sometimes, or out-of-control. The times when Johnny was solid, I knew we were okay. Johnny could never keep a job longer than six months, but he would work so hard and earned a lot of money. But when he was stable, I knew I could count on him, for anything. Sometimes, though, he would be set in ways and far too distant for me to depend on him.

Every time I thought about that, my heart ached. I wanted Johnny to know that he could depend on me, too. I wanted him to talk to me about anything; girls, money, jobs, life . . . everything. I didn't want to just idly sit by and watch his world torment him. Sometimes I'd hate his fucking guts because he wouldn't speak to me, but I'd always loved him. Though he would mess around with me, sometimes, I'd always known the seriousness and welcoming tone of his voice when spoke those three words. He'd only ever used them once before, when I'd had a psychotic break because he beat the shit out of me, so I ran away. I hated him so fucking much, then, but he'd uttered those words one cold, lonely night, and I knew he was sorry.

I smiled widely and said a simple "okay", telling him I'd be there as soon as I could. After that, I hung up and told Nova it was time to go.

"What? I just got here, babe," she said, running her fingers through my hair and looking me in the eyes. "You're always leaving, Ry."

I sighed, leaning down to kiss her. "I know, Nova. I know. I have to, this time."

Packing up my bag, I made sure I had my keys and cigarettes. I slipped on my grey Vans and threw the bag over my shoulders. Nova stood and smiled slightly, and interlaced her fingers with mine. Our relationship was defined as a relationship; we were in love, but we didn't label ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. We were on-and-off all the time, but we'd have sex three times a night. We'd scream and fight, and then love each other like never before. It was weird, but I liked it.

I could summarize Johnny and my's relationship, and you would have to ask me for a further, deeper definition. It would be too vague, and I would want you to understand it to-a-T. Though . . . I don't want to expose our relationship; our flaws, vulnerabilities, desires . . . they're all to far-fetched, and I don't know everything about Johnny like I know Nova. I would say that I'm closer to Nova than Johnny, my blood brother.

Nova and I left hotel, after I returned the keys as got some money back, and I drove her home before heading to the old Santa Mona. To be frank, I was actually really nervous to see Johnny. Of course, I knew in all his seriousness we were fine, and he wanted to see me, but I couldn't shake the feeling I had. I guess I could say I was still living in the past, because, really, nothing currently was wrong between us. We were good, and that's how I liked it.

I headed for his apartment, smoking a cigarette as I drove down the streets. It took me a good fifteen-twenty minutes to get there from Nova's house, but it was worth it if I was going to see the only family I had left, the one person in the world who would never go back on what he promised, always said what he meant, and left for good reasons. He was my idol; the strongest, wisest man I knew, and I wanted so badly to live up to his expectations.

When I finally arrived, I sat in my car for a minute or two, finishing up my cigarette and thinking about what I would say. I finally built up the courage and dialed Johnny's cell.

"Which is your's?"

"Two-nineteen, second floor. You here?" He asked, and I could hear the eagerness in his voice, making me smile.

"Yeah, I'll be right up."

Hanging up, I opened the door and took the elevator. I walked down the hall some and rapped on his door with the knocker. It seemed like several seconds before he opened up, but when he did, I smiled; a full-teeth-happy-Ryan smile.

"Hey, man," Johnny said, a grin also on his face. He pulled me into a brotherly hug, and before letting go, I squeezed him tightly. "I see you're growin' a goatee."

I chuckled, walking inside and rubbing the nape of my neck. I took in my surroundings; he didn't have a lot of things, so the living room was quite barren, though it was neat.  He'd always been a stickler for being neat, but his life . . . it was chaotic, compared to his room.  It was possible he'd lived the way he cleaned, but I had never seen him so tranquil, so appreciating.

"Nice place, Johnny," I said, looking at him.  "If you need help, you know, fixing this place up, don't hesitate to let me know . . ."

"Okay, thanks," he said, taking a swig of some Jack Daniels.

"It's no problem.  Brothers helping brothers," I said, laughing.  He nodded in agreement.  "So, you've got a job, yet?"

He shook his head.  "No, but I applied for a ton.  I should hear back from the managers in a few days, though.  What about you?  Are you and Nova inseparable, still?"

"No," I laughed.  "I, um . . . I had a breakdown, last night, and I needed someone."

"Yeah," Johnny mumbled.

I nodded, slightly, and neither of us spoke for a few moments.  Clearing my throat, I said, "So, you got any plans for the two of us?"

He grinned, and then walked over to the hall closet.  He pulled out two fishing poles, handing one to me.  "Wanna go fishing, down on Flathead Lake?  I know, it's a few hours away, and you probably--"

"Of course, Johnny," I answered.  "Anything is great; I've really missed you.  Spending time with my older brother sounds like a dream-come-true, to me."

"Yeah?  Well, you wanna get ready?  We can go right now, if that's okay with you," he responded happily, placing the poles on the counter and and pulling out the bait and his fishing hat.  "You want to?"

Sighing, I gave in.  "Yeah, man."

He looked up at me and smiled, grabbing me into a bear-hug.  I hugged him back tightly, and I swear, I heard him say, "I'm glad you don't hate me."

A smile played across my face; a geniune one, not a cocky one, because I was . . . I was happy that my brother finally accepted me.  I'd been told we were idols for the kids, because our relationship was so solid . . . but that was outside of the home. Inside, we were violent, hateful creatures toward each other and Mom.  We both had so much pent-up anger that we desperately needed to release, and we found each other to be easy targets.

But Johnny fought worse with Mom than anyone else.  He'd called her terrible names, right in front of me; he'd hit her, screamed at her, cursed at her. . . .  It was always a cycle, and he'd always do it with me around.  It seemed he wanted to show me he was stronger, that he was the man of the house and I was the beta.

Now, though . . . now that we're together, making amends, sewing up the quilt that we tore. . . .  I'm happy, so fucking happy.