The Evolution of a Drowning Butterfly

Chapter Thirteen

If I could've spent the night somewhere else, I would have. All I could do was lock myself in my room, letting the silence fall across like an uncomfortable blanket. I tried to sleep, but my brain was stirring with thoughts, and my body was hot and sticky.

At some point in the night, I finally got up and hopped in the shower, hoping the water sliding across my skin would take my anxiety with it.

The pregnancy, everything had just me over the edge. I didn't know who to trust. All I could do was try to stop it. Anxiety was something I was accustomed to struggling with, and I was always taught to get help. But who could help me.

I cried and screamed.

I must've fallen asleep at some point in the night because I woke up with sticky eyes.

Monday. School. Why was it that school always had to show up in the most inconvenient of times? I hopped out of bed and repeated, once again, the same morning routine.

In English, Jay and I spent Mr. Martin's lessons sneaking glances at each other. It turned out to be extremely cliché, and it made me feel a little better.

The school day was rather normal until lunch. I was sitting at my table with Jay at my side when someone else sat down. I looked up with an expectation very different from the reality. Sitting at my table was none other than Gabby Devairo.

"Hey, Rose. I just wanted to let you know that your brother and sister are just darling, and I would be happy to babysit again anytime," she said looking from me to Jay, and then giving me a conspicuous wink.

"Um. Okay," I responded, rather shocked.

"Alrighty. Chao!" she ended, and then skipped off to her usual table.

I think Jay could see the disgust on my face.

"What?" he said.

"Anyone who says "chao" makes me want to puke."

"She's just trying to be nice."

"Or is she mocking me? I can never tell. And she is way too nice."

"Okay, Rose. She just seems to me like a genuinely nice person."

"Why are you defending her?"

"I'm not! I'm just not sure why you have a problem with her!"

I began to snap back, but then I really thought about it. Why did I have such a problem with her? Was it because she was so happy when I was so miserable?

We were silent for the rest of lunch. Jay looked at me, and I knew he wanted me to say something. But I was mad, and I don't think he knew what to do. Even though I had not come up with a good reason to hate Gabby, he had still defended her. And defending someone I despised was not the way to go about becoming more than friends like he wanted.

When I got home, I crushed myself into my bed and cried. The lack of support from Jay hurt. And without his support, I had none. I had issues with trust, and this just reaffirmed that those issues were within good reason.

My ears perked to the word, "Dinner!" being yelled into the hallway.

I was confused. I looked at the clock. A bright red 5:00 p.m. was flashing. I had been dwelling on lunch and Jay for an hour. It felt like so much longer. But who had made dinner?

I walked into the kitchen, directed by the smell of baked chicken and green beans. My mother was standing there, apron on, hair pulled back.

"Why are you home?" I asked.

As she was pulling the chicken out of the oven, she said, "I got my schedule changed so that I could be here to cook dinner."

"What?" I asked in awe..

"You heard me."

"What brought this on?"

"Well, I thought about what you said, and you're right. I'm not here enough to take care of my children. So I'm doing something to change that."
I wanted to scream "Thank you!"- become overjoyed with the fact that she was changing, but I couldn't ignore the lack of motherly affection for the majority of my life.

"You think making dinner is going to make up for all the times I had to cook? Clean? All the times I had to tuck in, pick up, comfort?" I scoffed, and then left the room.

A small part of me knew I was being harsh, but I wasn't going to be fooled by this pretense of a good mother. Eventually, she would just go back to her old habits.