Chuck and Sammy

Three Lies.

I find myself once again standing on the edge of the bridge about two hundred and nineteen feet above the ground. The Golden Gate Bridge, the same place I found myself the day before yesterday, and two days before that and so on. It's almost like it's become a continuous cycle over the past four months, every other day I wake up at 02:00am, wonder out of the house, walk to the bridge and stand here for what seems like forever just staring at the water below. Although this time I feel like it could really happen. "Just one more step, just one more step" I whisper to myself. It's true. One more step and everything would be over, no more hassle of this crazy world. "Just one more step". I can feel courage building up inside my chest making me even closer to taking that one step. I can feel the pull in my leg and my body as if someone has a rope tied around me and is trying to tug me forward into just lunging into the unknown of what will happen to me. 

Thought 1: hopefully my death will be quick and easy. No pain to feel because the force of the impact will just kill me instantly

Thought 2: I could survive this fall making me severely brain damaged meaning I would still be alive with even more problems, and won't be able to talk or move so I'll just live my life even worse without being able to completely kill myself the next time.

God I hope it's thought one. Imagine how much life would suck not being able to do anything. So here I am still waiting for my foot to go over the edge and for me to just fall off. I feel the pull even more and take a deep breath and am just finally ready to take the step, here we go. Goodbye Life. 

....................................................................................................................................................................................

"Hey you okay kid?" I open my eyes and find a middle aged man standing right next to me. From what I can see he looks concerned and puts his hand on my shoulder. I stare at him for a while and finally manage to get words out my mouth, but all i can manage is "yeah". He continues staring at me then pats my back and walks away slowly continuously turning around looking at me. 

SHIT! Why didn't I jump?! What the hell stopped me from making the jump? I thought I was ready for this. I check my watch to see what time it is and see how much time has actually passed, only to be surprised that it's 05:00 am. Three hours has passed already, and the proof that morning is coming is already on display as more cars drive past. I avoid looking at them just in case their eyes catch mine and they see what I’m really thinking about. Last thing I want is a confrontation about how suicide isn't the only option, and that I can get help. I know I can get help, but the amount of times I have heard about how people have just ended up worse really puts me off the idea. 

Another car drives past and this time he slows down completely. I can hear the window unwind and know exactly what's coming. "Hey kid!". I ignore him, hoping that he will just turn drive off, but he remains there shouting at me trying to get my attention until he finally succeeds and I turn around. "You okay? You lost?" The man is probably in his thirties and has short hair. He's not dressed up as if he's heading for work or anything, infact he looks like he's been driving around all night. "Uh...no, no, im not lost" I reply. Please can he just leave?!

"Well are you okay? You're a long way out from town aren't you, especially this early in the morning" 

"I'M FINE!" I yell at him. This takes him by surprise and the next few minutes are just silent. I can feel all the anger building up again and I just want to turn around and leave and just forget about anything tonight, but I know he'll probably just follow me. I start to turn around to see if he's still there, but protest at first just in case he sees that something is actually up, but the next thing I know my head shoots around and we just stare at each other for a moment. "I'm fine" I quietly say. "I'm fine".