Di Makatulog Series: "Too toxic"

2: Tough love, the one that scars

It was like a bile that was caught up in my throat. Hindi ako makapagsalita habang pinapalo ako sa aking mga binti. Sampo sa binti, sampo sa mga kamay and this wasn't the worst that I had. Atleast, physically that is...

Tough love, they said. That I had to be taught the old style that they learned from their parents, from their grandparents for me to be like them.

I was twelve when I knew that I didn't want to be like them. I don't want their riches. I don't like having anything that came from their dirty money. I want my freedom,  and from a Vargas--I knew that was impossible.

I received my last whip and the only thing that I did was to breathe as if nothing was happening. My stare was pulsing thru the wall. Never looking to them. Never giving them the satisfaction of the kind of pain that they want.

My mind drifted to what I did wrong. Technically, wala akong ginagawang masama. But for them, they think otherwise. You see I decided to spend more than the budget proposed for the orphanages across the country for charity. Just for the sake of mocking them.  It was too much of a charity work but the way I see it is that it barely scratched the surface of our money and I was only giving them what I think they truly deserve. Tunay na kalinga at suporta.

Charities for the company was only something to please the public and lessen the tax that was supposed to be paid. Isang malaking pagpapanggap and I think that sucks when we are fully capable of giving help. 

And here I am sitting in front of my nanay, who basically took care of me. Nililinis nya ang mga sugat ko. I'm already 17 years old but I get treated like a 5 year old sa mga ganitong pagkakataon. 

I stared at the ceiling while enduring the stinging sensation of my wounds.  I lifted my hands as if I could reach the walls surrounding me. Sa huli sinukuan ko rin dahil alam kong hindi ko rin magagawa ang gusto ko. Gusto kong sirain ang mga dingding na nakapaligid sakin but how can I do it when I can't even reach it?

Hinaplos ko ang pisngi ni nanay na may bahid na ng kanyang mga luha. I frowned at her but kept my hands gently to hug her. Hindi ko kayang makita syang nasasaktan. 

"Ito na ang pinakamalalang parusang natamo mo sa kanila anak" saad nya nang may kasamang paghikbi. 

It was true. The older I got, the harsher the punishments. I hugged her again and drank my warm milk. 

"Magiging okay ako, nay. Kaya ko to." lies

I bid my goodbye and sat on my bed. I couldn't sleep. My nightmares are keeping me awake. Nevertheless, I drank three sleeping pills and welcomed darkness like an old friend. 

Breakfast was the only meal of the day that I could get the chance to see my family.

My older brother sitting in front of me. Looking utterly sophisticated in his corporate suit while he stares seriously at his ipad.

My father looking through the newspaper while sipping his coffee.

My mother being as classy as always is dressed elegantly. Sipping her morning tea, she continuously flips thru the pages of a magazine.

Sobrang busy nila. Alam kaya nila na may pamilya silang nakakalimutan. Dahil matapos ang kainang ito, kanya kanya na sila ng alis at buhay. It was as if I never existed.

Paika ika akong tumayo sa aking kinauupuan. Nang umalis na ang pamilya ko ay sinubukan ko na ring umakyat ng kwarto para magpahinga.

Nang nakita ako ng mga kasambahay namin ay agad nila akong tinulungan. Ngumiti ako sa kanila bilang pasasalamat.

Isang buntong hininga nalang ang aking nagawa matapos ang ilang minutong pagsulyap mula sa aking balkonahe. I watched as my family's car leave.

Tough love, they said. There wasn't even love in the first place, I answered.