Don't Look At Me

Chapter 4

It's been three months since Em's death and we still can't believe what happened. Em was gone and she wasn't coming back. I found it hard to accept it because I need Joon to be okay but, he can't be if Em is not around.

I still remember the fear in Joon's eyes when he heard of Em's death.

"Joon, I'm sorry. Something really bad happened"
"Jieun, why are you crying? What happened?"
"Em...Em is not coming back again."
"What do you mean? Where is my mom?"
"Joon...Em. Em is gone. She's not coming back."
"Where did she go to?"
"I'm really sorry. Em is d-dead Joon. She's not coming back to us again."
"She's d-dead?"

I saw Joon's dad in court for the first time. All I could feel was fear in that moment. Even in cuffs, he still looked scary. Joon's reaction to him was scarier. He didn't express any emotions at all and just had a blank face throughout. I expected him to be sad or afraid even angry, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

My dad was very angry when they gave him seven years of jail time. I recall him repeatedly saying,
"That murderer should rot in jail!"

Joon has been more reserved since Em died. He mostly avoided any interactions with me.

I should be more understanding of his loss, but it's also my loss. I really want to comfort him but he just shuts me out.

I saw Joon coming through the gates with his head down like he usually does nowadays. He almost fell over when a student runned past him. He hasn't been eating lately and he looked weaker.

After Em's death, I have been picking Joon up from school. His school is near mine so it was very convenient. Ms Park didn't want me to but I still sent him home.

Ms Park sold handmade toys at the market. She wasn't making enough money but she still refused any help my parents offered.
"What I have would be enough to take care of Joon. We don't need your pity or your money."
Was what she told my parents.

"Hey there." I said as he approached me. He gave me a small smile and we walked home together in silence, like we usually do.

We arrived at Joon's house few minutes later. I rang the bell multiple times before the door finally opened. Joon went inside after saying goodbye.

"I thought I told you to stop picking him up from school. He is old enough to come home by himself and besides, his school isn't far from here." Ms Park said immediately Joon disappeared from my sight.

"Please I want to. I don't get to see him often. Since you don't allow me to come here often, that is the only way I get to see him." Everytime I asked her if I could spend the weekend there, she would keep giving excuses.

"Look here long lady. I know your parents bought this apartment but, you can't come and go as you please. My daughter isn't here anymore so it would be best for you to stay away from us." She said, trying to control her anger.

"Joon is more like a brother to me. I really can't stay away from him even if I wanted to." I said ignoring her obvious annoyance.

"Just because you expect things to go your way doesn't mean it should. If you stopped acting like a spoilt brat for once, maybe you will get to notice what is going on around you." Ms Park said and went inside.

What does she mean by that.

I knew Ms Park didn't like me but I didn't think it had anything to do with me. As funny as that sounds, I honestly believed that she not liking me had something to do with her and not me. But, it seemed that there was more to it than she lets on.

As I walked home, I tried to figure out what Ms Park meant by what she said.

It started to rain on my way home.
I began to run since my house was already in sight. I wasn't completely soaked in the rain because it wasn't raining  heavily.
One of the workers met me at the gate with an umbrella. I mumbled a thanks and rushed inside.

My mom met me halfway with a towel and said,
"Dear, change your clothes quickly before you catch a cold." She looked worried.
I easily got sick so she was always cautious when it came to me.

"Okay. Is dad around?" I asked her. He told me he won't go anywhere this week but I had to be sure since his work was quite demanding.

"Yes. He is in his office now. You can talk to him after you change your clothes."

I nodded and left for my room. I took a quick hot shower and wore new clothes. I was about to leave when a call came through. It was Joon's house number.

"Hello? Joon?" I was happy he called. It's been a while since we spoke on phone.

"Jieun. It's raining." He said in a very low tone. He sounded worried.

"Yes I know."

"Okay. Bye then." He sounded nervous.

"Wait!...I miss you." I quickly said before he disconnected the call.

"You just saw me today."

"I mean, I miss talking to you. I miss everything Joon."

There was a long silence at the other end before he finally said something.

"Me too."

"Let's always talk to each other and share everything okay?"

"Okay...I have to go. Grandma..."

"I understand. Goodnight Joon. I love you." I said.
Joon always said that saying I loved him was embarrassing. He used to tell Em and I to stop saying it, especially in public. We loved teasing him with it. But this time, I was being serious and he knew it.

"Bye." He quickly said and hang up.

Joon, I know everything won't be the same again but, I need you to be strong.

After the call, I headed downstairs to my dad's office. I was about to knock on his door when I heard him and mom having a conversation. It sounded serious.

"...do you think she told her?" I heard my mom asking my dad.

"I made it very clear that she shouldn't tell Jieun anything. Em kept her promise. I'm sure she will too."

"It would be best if Jieun does not find out."

"I agree. She's our daughter and her interest is our ultimate priority."

At this moment, I couldn't help but barge into the office.

"Jieun..." My mom said surprised.

"What are you keeping from me?" I asked very confused.

What could they possibly want to hide from me?