grasping onto something i cannot see

nineteen

when we woke up, the sun was bright. i could feel it atop my eyelids.

phil rolled over and pressed a hand on my cheek; it was warm. "you're so pretty. i want to wake up to that face every day."

i blushed. "shut up." my head said i want you to, too.

"make me!" phil said dismissively. he sat up. "oh, the sun is bright today. do you want to go outside and see it?"

"yes!" i said, with the vivacious attitude of a toddler on christmas. i pulled a jacket on and some slippers and ran my fingers through my hair before walking out the door.

it was bright, and beautiful, and i could feel it; the sunlight beamed down on my eyelids and made them glow. i could see.

"my favorite color has always been yellow," i said to phil, not knowing exactly where he went. "because i actually know what it is, and what it looks like. it makes me happy. are all colors like that?"

phil answered from a little ways behind me. "i don't know... my favorite color is brown."

"brown? isn't that an ugly color?" i said.

"no, it's the color of your hair, and it peeks out in your amber eyes, and your constellation freckles. it's magical to me, like yellow to you," he said.

i reached behind me and grabbed his hand, holding it close to me. "i love you. i really really love you."

"i love you more."

i stood for a while, doing my whole lizard-basking thing as i took in the sun's rays. it could have been two minutes, or two hours, or two days later, but the sun suddenly disappeared, hiding behind a cloud. i let out a sigh.

phil, who had been patient enough to stand outside with me the whole time, walked forward and put his hands on my shoulders. "it'll be back," he said reassuringly.

"it's not fair," i said, again strikingly similar to a toddler on christmas...who didn't get the present they wanted.

phil hugged my from behind, his arms wrapping around my shoulders like a warm sweater. "when i die, i'm going to reincarnate as the sun, and shine every single day for you," he said softly. i laughed a little at how sweet and profound it was, but in my heart i felt a sort of sadness -- something that made me feel as if one day, i would have to live without him.

"promise me you won't leave me," i said.

"i'll never leave you," he replied. "i'm always here." he put his hand over my heart.