Silly Satire Short Stories

How To Hire People Like A Real Man

                 First, there is Jazmine Luis, short with long dark red hair and black highlights. Tough girl, bold and beautiful. She walks through the door, not even bothering to knock. Her head held high and book-bag swinging freely, she was quite the snob. The first thing she sees is chaos. Everyone is running around, people in all directions all doing something different. A door opens, right next to where Jazmine is standing, the broom closet. Bliss stumbles out with Azrael, lips locked together. Bliss's white blouse was falling off her shoulder and you could see the top of her bra. Azrael's tie was wrapped around Bliss's finger. They were too focused on each other to notice Jazmine.

           Jazmine's face lit up to the color of her hair. She was never good around PDA and being so close made her extremely uncomfortable. Especially, since the two in front of her didn't look like they were going to be stopping anytime soon. Jazmine ran out instantly, her head now hung low and she left her book-bag behind. She didn't care; she had to get out and fast. How could she, Jazmine Luis, work at such a foul place where PDA was the norm? She wasn't planning on returning anytime soon. Peter's plan had worked the first time in sorting out the best to the bad. Jazmine was bad, Peter wanted the best, so he dismissed promptly.

Second, came Olly Murs, tall, black hair in a small ponytail resting on his shoulder. Piercing green eyes. Someone you didn't want to mess with. Everyone has a weakness though, right? Before the possible new employees would walk through the door, Peter would interview them and review their files over and over again. He'd find a weakness, well, because everyone had one. Olly though, he couldn't figure it out. Peter was stumped. He told everyone to give it their all. He had to have a weakness, this was a new challenge for Peter; and he liked it.

Olly knocked. No answer, so he tried again. This time it opened though. Standing in the doorway was a very short girl, with brown pigtails and cherry lipstick. She looked up. Her cheeks were burning red and a noticeable amount of drool was seeping out of her lips. A bottle hung low in her right hand. She swung side-to-side as she stood. Then he realized. The girl was drunk.

"Hueyyyyy, yuu mwusttt bwee Owlleee, Wewcome!" She raised her arms in a sort of cheer. Olly backed up. Drunk girls scared him. Not them in general, but the thought of them. He'd had a girlfriend back in college who would get extremely drunk then get violent. He looked around quickly and grabbed an old wooden board.

"Stay back!" He stammered, his hands clutching the board with all his strength. He swung. Lucky for the girl though, she stood back and dodged. She stumbled towards him. Tripping over her own feet she fell on top of him.

"EEEEEEE" Olly shrieked.

He was done for. He couldn't move nor yell for help. Her hand landed on his throat, not choking him, just resting. He was worried that if he said something she'd choke him. He laid still, sweat dripping off his forehead and onto his chin. The girl was fine. She didn't seem to want to get up though. She moved her hand from his throat to his torso and wrapped her arms around him. Olly didn't know what the hell was going on and was freaking out.

"..Aizen.." the girl murmured as she held onto his torso tighter. She dug her face into his chest.

Suddenly the door of the office building slams open. A tall man with cream colored skin and short brown straggly hair walks out, ducking as he walks through the doorway. He adjusted his thick glasses and walked over slowly. He walked with a large stride so it didn't take long until he was directly over the girl and Olly. Olly and the girl were still on the ground. A smile planted itself on Olly's face. He was to be saved. He couldn't wait to get this crazy girl off of him. The tall man swiftly grabbed Olly's collar and lifted him out from under the girl and hung him in the air like a rag doll. The girl looked up, her face a disheveled mess of smudged lipstick and dirt.