BTW: If you're wondering, yes, the name of this chapter is after an xxxtentaction song that I love so much so maybe check it out :) *TRIGGER WARNING*
At this point, I'd given up. Trying to be with Grayson was a fight and trying to be with Ethan was abuse. I couldn't stand to be hurt anymore. I got up and went back inside my house crying. "Honey what's wrong?" My mom walked towards me when I got into the door. "Nothing." I quickly wiped my tears away and ran upstairs to my room closing the door behind me. I looked into the mirror on my dresser and stared at my reflection. "What's wrong with you?" I said to my reflection softly as a tear rolled down my cheek. "What is it about them? That...that pulls me in so much." I said once more to my reflection. I walked to my bed and threw myself down. I sighed not knowing what to do or how to get these boys out of my head. Tomorrow was school and I didn't want to go back just to be put down. I didn't know why he hated me so much or why I couldn't stay away from him. It was like he was on my mind twenty four seven and I hated him for that. For having the power to do that to me. Then I felt my pocket and remembered my mothers ID. "Shit." I walked down stairs quietly hoping no one would hear me. I placed her ID on the table in the kitchen and quickly went back up stairs. I walked to the window in my room and looked out seeing gray and ethan outside. I opened my window slightly to hear what they were saying. "Gray leave her alone!" Ethan yelled. "She isn't yours to tell me what to of ethan! You treat her like shit so why should you car!" Gray started walking to my door. I gasped and ran downstairs to answer the door but somehow my mother had beat me to it. "Hi Grayson come on in." She said with a smile. Grayson smiles at her. "I'll leave you two alone." My mom smiles and walks out. "Gray, what are you doing here?" I pretending that I hadn't heard their argument. "Y/n I'm in love with you and I can't let ethan get you first. I need you. All he does is treat you badly and I can't have that. I won't allow it. I-" I covered his mouth. "My mom might be listening. Come to my room." I whispered. I grabbed his hand and together we ran to my room. As soon as I closed the door, he turned me around and pulled me into him. "I love you." He said softly kissing my lips. I backed away. "Gray..im not a toy." I felt tears starting to form in my eye. "What do you mean?" He was confuesed. "You and ethan can't just keep messing around with my heart like this." I sat down. "Ethan doesn't deserve you. He's abusive y/n." Gray sat down next to me. I looked at the floor as a tear rolled down my cheek. "I don't know what to do with myself anymore." I said softly as more tears found their way from my bottom eyelids. Gray rubbed my back. "I need some time gray." I looked at him in the eyes as more tears formed. "If that's what you want then I guess I can't take that way from you. Take all the time you need." He got up and walked to the door. "Let me know when you know what you want." And with that, he walked out of my room and down the steps to the front door. Your probably thinking that I'm stupid for not just going with Grayson instead of getting abused. But it wasn't that easy. I couldn't just choose one. They both had a hold on my heart and it was going to take a lot to win it over. I sat on my bed and cried for a whole 30 minutes before getting a text from ethan. The text read "meet me at the park at 10 pm." I didn't know what to think. My parents would never let me go out so late. So in order to do what I was told, I would have to sneak out. Which I've never done before. But ,for ethan, I would do anything. I was scared though. What did he want to meet me for? To beat me down? I stayed in my room for another 3 hours until the clock hit 9:30 pm. My parents came into my room. "Goodnight sweetie. Don't stay up too long." I replied with a simple "ok" and my parents left my room. I waited for another 20 minutes after they had walked out just to make sure they would be asleep when I would sneak out. At 9:50 pm, I tiptoed down the steps and to the front door making sure to open it with caution. Once I finally made it outside without getting caught, I started running till I hit the park entrance. I walked in to see ethan sitting on a bench. I slowly walked over afraid of what might happen. "E-ethan?" I said softly. He slowly looked over at me and just stared. "Listen, I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry." He said and looked at the ground. "Ethan, you can't hurt me not just emotionally but physically and then think a simple 'I'm sorry' is going to fix everything." Tears formed in my eyes. "I know. And I want to make it up to you." Ethan stood up. I backed away. "Ethan, how do i know your not going to hurt me?" A single tear trickled down my cheek. "I've realized my mistakes. I'm a terrible human. It's just that..i don't know. I can't control myself. It's like I'm two different people." Ethan came towards me. "Ethan, I just want some time alone to think. You and Grayson have my heart in a tangled mess and I don't know where to go. I need some time to fix things with myself before I can do anything else." I started to walk away before he grabbed my wrist and turned me around. "Ethan let go-" his lips smashed onto mine. I kissed back. It was kind of magical but I knew I couldn't be with him. He was just teasing me. I pulled away after realizing tomorrow he is just going to put me down again. "I love you y/n." Ethan held both my hands in his. "I'm torn ethan." My eyes got soft as I help back tears. "Let me fix you." He smiled at me but I knew that he was just hiding his evil self behind that perfect smile. "I don't want to be fixed right now ethan. I just want to be left alone. I'm sorry." I pulled away from him and walked out of the park. I started walking home as tears ran down my face.
Ethans P.O.V:
She left me. I was trying to love her and she left me. It was understandable though. After everything I've put her through. She deserves better and I'm afraid better isn't me.
Back to your P.O.V:
Everything I tried to do never helped. Ethan and Grayson were still on my mind. I tried reading. I tried going out and having fun. Nothing helped. So for the next few days all I did was sit around in my room. I don't think I had showered for about for days or even gotten out of my bed. My mom would bring me food asking me 24/7 what was wrong but I told her I was on my period. Finally I brought myself to get out of bed and take a shower. While I was in the shower I noticed a razor laying on the side of the bath tub. I grabbed hold of it and held it to my wrist. "I want to feel something." I whispered as I made a deep cut into my skin. "I don't want to be stuck anymore." I said as I made another cut. And so I just kept going. "I'm tired of being numb." I layed down in the shower and cried. I didn't know what to do. I was depressed and obsessed and unfortunately...those don't mix well.
