Diary of Dean

So Much

  Late night in a motel after a hunt was Sam and Dean. In the room were two full sized bed and Dean was on his on the right. On the man's shoulders was the weight of the world and his only coping mechanism he had was drinking and sex, since he had not picked up any hot chicks. Dean just sat drinking his cheap beer. Of course he hid his emotions very easily for Sam's sake because he thought he was doing more good then harm. When really he was just harming himself. 

In the bed beside his was Sam reading their dad's journal, refreshing his memory on some facts about the supernatural that they hunt. Out his arms he stretched yawning because he was exhausted. It has been awhile since the last time Sam had actually got a good nights sleep from all their cases that they have been working. "Hey, Dean. I think I am going to get some shut eye. You should too." The younger one had never question his brother drinking after cases since he thought that it was just his way of kicking back and relaxing so it had never phased him. The bed sheets rustled a bit as he pulled back the comforter sliding into bed and laying down. At first he faced Dean who looked over.

The older brother looked over at Sammy, "Okay, goodnight bitch," he said with his sarcastic grin since it was him and his younger brother's thing to call each other, 'jerk' and 'bitch.' 

"Heh, goodnight jerk," Sam replied back with a smile before turning on his side and facing the wall where slowly he closed his eyes. Softly and peacefully he fell asleep snoring softly. Thankfully, there were no nightmares yet. Every night it was a constant battle with sleeping because of all the nightmares that caused him to wake in the night with sweat dripping off of him and bags under his eyes from the shitty amount of sleep that he had. 

Sitting there waiting for his younger brother too fall asleep was Dean, thinking about everything. Needing to clear his mind, carefully he got up going to his green Canadian military bag. Trying to be as quiet as possible to not wake up Sammy, he unzipped his bag and he pulled out as black leather journal that he had bought at a local antique shop. It was quite distressed from being old but had never been written in. After getting that he carefully and stealthily walked back to his bed sitting down. When he sat down he opened it to the first page. From the nightstand beside him he grabbed the nearest pen that was on one of those hotel notepads and began writing.

'Dear Journal,

      I can barely hold back anymore. The weight is becoming too much and I am trying to keep it together for Sammy. So I can be strong for him. There is not a damn thing I would not do for him. I vowed to always take care of him. Its my job to look out for him. I just wish I could not feel a damn thing. Dad died and left putting much more weight then he already has. I was told from my dad that I might have to kill my own brother if he loses control. That is not something I could do. It's not just because I love my brother but I don't want to be alone. He is all I have. My dad has always put weight on me. Growing up, I was a brother, a mother, and a father all at once. I have always taken care of my little brother. I even had to take care of my own dad when he got home! Never have I gotten to have a normal life. Sammy had that chance and it would make me happy just to be able to see him with a wife and kids. That would be true bliss to me. I hate myself since it's my fault that dad is dead. Barely, can I look at myself in the mirror because I hate myself so damn badly. I do not give a damn what happens to me. No matter if I live or die. That does not matter anymore.-'

Quickly he threw his journal on the floor with the pen as soon as he heard the restyling of his little brother's bed sheets. 

Sam looked over at Dean who was now sitting up drinking a beer. "Dean, what are you doing up? Come on please try and get some sleep." He said with a sigh now starting to become concerned.

Just so Sammy wouldn't get concerned too much all he did was nod and set his beer on the nightstand. His eyes felt heavy since he was tired and he turned off the light laying down "Goodnight Sammy." 

Sammy looked at him, "Dean if there was something wrong.. you would talk to me right?" He asked knowing Dean was too loyal to lie to him.

"Goodnight Sammy," he repeated just closing his eyes.

Sam would press on but it was pretty late so he was just going to wait until they were in the car together so that Dean would have no escape from the conversation.