Too Early For September

An Idea

"How'd you meet her?" She asked; my therapist was a short, wide eyed, Caucasian lady, who always wore red lipstick, she was in that age group, you know the ones in their fifties. I've been coming to her for two months now, August recommended her, I guess he was coming to her too, I didn't ask, I didn't care and that was selfish of me, I'm sure it was but I didn't have it in me to worry about anyone or anything anymore, I wanted to wither away, I wanted to go back in time, I needed to fix things, say more, do more but its too late now, I could feel the frustration inside me building up again, It usually made me violent, to myself, to others, I wanted to hurt, kill, just cause disasters, make what was in me come to life. I wasn't hurt, I was constantly in pain, I was heart broken, I was empty. I was swimming in mind.

"Sidney?" Shit.

"Yes?" I was sharp, she took me out of my memories, I wanted to remember, I never wanted to let go, i wanted to remember for ever and ever, i never wanted to let go.

She fixed her glasses and asked me again but she made sure to thin her lips out of...frustration, maybe? We weren't really going anywhere with this and at this rate...well, I just wanted the company.
"How'd you meet her?" She paused "I was thinking maybe today we can talk about her, it's been 4 months since-" I flashed a look at her and that rage i had in me once again boiled over "Don't say it!"

 "Okay, maybe not today, well-" she pressed her lips together and tapped her clip board "That's all for today, I'll see you next week." She ended the session but it was clear she got an idea as she took off her glasses, her wrinkles showed giving away her years of experience and dealing with extremely difficult clients such as myself. "Since you don't want to talk about it, verbally; how about you write down how you feel and what's on your mind."
I looked up from playing with my fingers, I wasn't thinking about anything. At this very moment my mind was blank. "You mean like a story or like a book?" i said widening my eyes.
She was surprised. I guess she wasn't expecting me to say anything. "Sure, if that's what you're comfortable doing, then a book is fine."
"Okay."
"I'll see you next week, with your story and we will go through it paragraph at a time."
"Bye." I uttered as I took up my bag and rushed for the door. I couldn't wait to get out of there, I felt like I was choking trying to be strong. I couldn't let her see that I was weak, just a typical client she had, consoling her and patting her back like she was some type of weak calf that needed a mother's love. Oh no. My mother, the awful, awful memories of the past 6 months past and her treachery. 

I held back my tears just enough until I got in my car, I was melting inside, why was this happening to me? Everything was different and I hated it but I was powerless, all the money I had and I still couldn't change time. What was the point of being this rich if couldn't have any control over things. That; i think was one of the most frustrating things that could occur.

When I got home, to our home..her home, I saw August and Austin had friends over and I swear that is just what I did not need after crying myself into a new existence in the parking lot 20 minutes ago. I sounded bitter and I was, I can admit it, whatever.

"Hey Sid, do you want to sit with us?" Austin chimed. How is he always so fucking happy? Also, how could he be so happy given the circumstances. 

My shoulders slumped and I sighed, I wanted to go in my room and be alone so i could cry until I fell asleep the way I do every night and be left alone while being alone, all alone and that included people not calling to checkup on me, but Austin and August didn't do me anything, I managed to speak but my words were shaky, I didn't want them to know I was crying, I didn't need their pity...I didn't deserve it, this was my fault...right?

"Not tonight, maybe next time, I'm tired." 

August offered some tea but I pretended I didn't hear him. Why can't he just leave me alone? Austin doesn't say a word to me, because he get's it. Just leave me the fuck alone. No questions, no words, nothing!

 I zombied up the stairs and entered my room and as the pattern goes I broke right down, in my beautiful suit and heels, I shattered behind that closed door, until I fell asleep... on. the. floor. Yup, the way decent women do. I needed help and i needed it desperately. How was I not an alcoholic??

 
At 3:56am I woke up, i remember this because she would always be awake sneezing around this time, I think I just got accustomed and couldn't get past it or something. I kicked off my heels and stripped and pulled over one of her shirts and crawled into bed and snugged, inhaling deeply all of her scent twirled into my nose, i hated her so much for what she did but i loved every piece of her and it was killing me.

What Deborah (my therapist) said was on my mind, a book, about it all, from beginning to end of what happened with us. Well, she didn't say that but that would help. Reliving the entire thing, time by time, piece by piece, slowly. Here goes nothing...

I took up my laptop and stared at the blank word document for 20 minutes and typed the header, 'Too Early for September' because it truly was.