The Wonderful Book of Parodies

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Zak Potter and the Sorcerer's Phone (Third Person)

Zak Potter wasn't normal. He slept in the closet next to the stairs and made thing explode when he got mad. This was a problem, seeing as he blew up his aunt. He also had circular glasses and a scar that was shaped like a star on his forehead. 

One day at letter arrived addressed to him. 

Who would write me a letter? Zak wondered. I don't have any friends because I'm a socially-awkward lunatic. 

Zak's uncle saw the letter and decided to move to a hut on a rock.

Maybe I'm not the insane one! He thought hopefully. 

That night there was a knock on the hut's door, and a giant walked in.

"I'm Rubeus Cutter," It said, "and you must be Zak Potter."

"H-hi," Zak said nervously.

"I made ya a birthday cake!" Cutter said happily, setting it down on the couch.

The cake said "Hapie Birfdae Zach" in yellow frosting, and there was a muddy paw print right in the middle.

"Er, thanks...." Zak replied, trying to be polite.

"Sorry about the paw print, my dog Dale stepped on the cake.

"Oh."

"Anyway, we have to get you to Pigmoles, the magic castle."

"Yay?"

"That's where you'll learn wizardcraft and witchery. I mean witchcraft and wizardry, I mean..."

"Let's go?"

Two Days Later

"Pigmoles is amazing! I read all about it in "Pigmoles: A History!" a girl with long red hair informed a very uninterested Zak and his new, and only, friend Charlie.

"Shut up, Scarlett! No one cares!" Charlie told her.

"Now it's time for the sorting!" Scarlett said excitedly, "I read about it in Pigmoles: A History, founders edition."

"Stop being such a know-it-all!" Charlie snapped.

"What, are you mad I know more than you do?"

"Shut it," Charlie snarled, pulling out his wand.

"You're going to do magic? I've already learned 726 spells! Which do you know? Are you going to jinx me or curse me? It doesn't really matter, I know every defensi-"

"Granger, Scarlett!" 

"That's me! It's time for my sorting! I want to be either Bravelion or Smarteagle. Ambitioussnake and Friendlybadger seem too..."

The two boys never found out what Ambitioussnake and Friendlybadger were, because, much to their relief, Professor Shay shoved the hat on Scarlett's head, silencing her.

"I hope she's not in Bravelion. My whole family was in Bravelion, so I'll probably be there too, and I don't want to have to put up with her," Charlie told Zak.

"I hope I'm in Bravelion," Zak said.

"BRAVELION!" the hat yelled.

"Stupid hat," Charlie muttered.

"Potter, Zak!"

"Get a good house!" Charlie called after him.

Zak sat down on the stool, and the hat was placed on his head.