Bixenman

2

On my birthday you surprised me by showing up at my door. I was confused. I had hardly remembered that it was my birthday. No one had ever celebrated it with me. You greeted me at my door and without hesitation I fell into your arms. We spent the day at my house watching movies and talking about the future on my couch. I sat between your hips with my back resting on your chest. I could feel your heartbeat against me. It was music to my ears. This was the last time I was happy. I casted you away thinking that someway or somehow I would snap out of it and allow you back in. But by the time I did, you gave up on me

I had fallen in love with you, Jacob. But that's what made me stay far away from you. I couldn't deal with the fact that I could hurt you. I ghosted you starting 3 days after my birthday. It hurt me to see you want to talk to me but me never respond. I don't know why I did it. It made me begin to drink again and hurt myself. I was messed up, Jacob. But you pulled me out of my head and kept me sane. But why would I want to cast away the one person who kept me safe? That's just the way my depressed and insane head decided to look at things. You stopped calling after the 5th day. I don't know what I expected to happen. Somehow I was shocked when you contacted me less frequently. I cried everyday thinking about you, Jacob. My life was empty without you. That's why I did what I did. You weren't there for me when I needed you the most. But this isn't your fault. It will always be my fault.

My happiness had completely faded by the time you stopped calling. That's when it happened. Now what was "it". You know exactly what it is. But let me put it into context.