Beyond the Boundaries

11

Juice Wrld - Lucid Dreams

Im frozen in place. I cant move an inch of my body and I dont know what to do. What the hell do you do when you just freaking confess to your crush? Okay it wasnt really a full out confession but I said more than I should have. Okay get it together. She's looking at me.

"Y-yeah.."

She tilted her head and smirked.

"Yeah what."

"Huh?"

"What?"

"What...?"

I hope that confused her as much as it confused me. She sat the with her eyebrow raised trying to figure me out.

"Okay...then lets get to know each other. Tell me about you."

Im glad she dropped it. I began eating one of my chickens while she was talking. What can I say?
Maybe I can say:

'Hi Im Raegan Jennings. Ive been in your class for the past 4 years and Im undoubtedly in love with everything about you. Oh and I like to play piano.'

I laughed at myself Id never have the heart to say all of that. I looked down while I thought about all that was coming out my mouth

"Well you know that Im Raegan, feel free to call me Rae. Im 18 years old birthday passed already. It was August 3rd. I like uh purple I guess and my favorite animal is a elephant. And I uh ..play the piano."

I lifted my head back up and looked at her. I nervously smiled when our eyes connected. However, I quickly looked away.

"Okay. I guess Ill learn some more things in a little bit."

"Yeah so what about you?"

Finally I get to find things out from the source herself.

'You act like youre not her personal stalker'

I am not shut up.

'Idoit how many times do I have to say that Im you. Youre a freaking moron'

If Im an idiot than you are too.

'Well at least Im not the one letting it show in front of my crush.'

My mind snapped back and I saw Genesis looking at me with concern.

"Ive been calling your name for a good 2 minutes. Are you okay?"

I felt tears threathening to fall. I push them away and avoiding contact with her. Im so fucking embarrassed.

"Yeah. Im fine tell me about you?"

The shake in my voice was so noticable but I guess she decided to ignore it. Thank god she did. If she would have asked 'Are you okay?' again I probably would have started spilling my guts. I laughed at the thought.

"Hey hey... I lost you again. I can see youre fighting yourself. Do you wanna talk about it.?"

"No no. Im fine. Tell me about you?"

There goes another 'im fine' in the pile.

"Well... Im Genesis but you can call me Gennie. Im 17 years old and my birthday is on Decemeber 28. I live with my mom and dad and 2 brothers. I have a dog named Pluto... Dont ask"

We laughed at that and she continued.

"Im not really into sports. I like staying home. I have a boyfriend named Devin sadly" she whispered the word sadly. I kept quiet and let her finish.
"I like chocolate the color yellow and yeah thats enough right?"

I giggled and nodded head. By time she had finished talking we had finished eating. I asked her if she was finished which she said yes and I brought both of our trash to the garbage and walked back.

"So..you know that I have a boyfriend..do you have a boyfriend?"

Should I tell her Im gay? This could be a good moment to get see he reaction.

"Well..no Im single."

"How? youre so pretty."

"I just never really wanted a boyfriend"

"Oh because theyre immature."

"No because theyre...boys"

I sat nervously waiting on her response. Fingers crossed.

"So..what youre like uh..g-gay"

I slowly nodded my head.

"Oh okay. Well.. Do you have a girlfriend?"

"No..but I would like one."

"Maybe I can help find you one!!"

She become overly excited for some reason. I dont want her to help me find one. I want her to be the one. I sighed accidentally.

"Thats not really necessary. Because I already like someone."

"Really tell me about her if you dont mind."

She wouldnt possibly know that Im talking about her. I took a sip of my lemonade.

"To me she is like an angel compared to everyone around her. So innocent that I would hate to corrupt her with my devilish ways. She has the brightest hazel eyes that sparkle whenever she talks about something that she is passionate about. And when I look at them I could feel myself slipping from all the pain and sorrow."

I smiled to myself.

"Its like she could understand me. Her mind is as sharp as blades, the way she thinks before she answers. Never does she talk about something until she knows all the facts. She is kind and loving even to those who dont deserve it."

I paused. I havent looked at her once since Ive began talking I dont think I could look into her eyes while I pour my little heart out.

"Her mind is always thinking, but never judges someone for the choses they make but by the character of their being. I know I could treat her better than he can. I would be her knight in shining armor and she would be my damsel in distress."

Everything started to become clear. I cant have her. She deserves someone who could give her the world and the moon if she asked for it. I cant do that.

"But as much as I would love for her to be mine. She would never. She could never. I never want her to deal with the baggage that I would bring. As much as I would love to make her happy. All I'll really do is cause her pain. And I would never wish that on anyone, especially not her."

By the end I was sobbing. Reality just hit me. She could never be mine. I can never call her my own. And that hurts more than any punch or kick that Ive taken over the years. I cried into my hands. I feel so worthless. She would never want a fucked up individual, a murder, a freak, Me. What am I even doing here. I cant. I looked at her with so much built pain.

"Im sorry"

She looked like she didnt know what to do. Im pretty sure I looked like a mess. I could feel the tears dripping from my chin. She reached over and grabbed my hand.

"There is no need to be sorry. You're an amazing person. I sure she'll love you. "

I shook my head in denial. She can't.

"I love her to much to do that to her."

And with that I stood up and snatched my hand away from her. Regret instantly set in but I pushed passed it and ran away. I always run away but today is different. This moment is different from all the others. Why?

'Because today, you ran away from Her.'

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(Author's Note)

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