Idk

?

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Shit, I don't think I've ever known what I was doing. Life just seems like it's too much lately. It's summer time I should be hanging out with my friends but instead I'm working. I'm honestly so ready for school to start back. With school I have balance. But with me just working 12 hours a day I'm so mentally and physically exhausted. It's just so much. I want to just curl up in a ball and cry. I want to sleep for a month. I just need some time for myself. But I can't have it. Life just seems so weird and strange. Like it's not real. Honestly, I want something to drink. That will knock me the fuck out and make me forget everything. But I don't think I want to throw my life down the drain like that. Other than wanted to die, I'm doing kinda good in life. That's what makes me hate myself for feeling this way. I have no reason to want to die. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, friends and family that love me very much, and clothes on my back. I don't understand it. But I guess you can't really decide if you're fucked up or not.
I've recently started hating my body. I use to love it, stretch marks and all. But recently I've just had a change of mind. I think they're disgusting. Every roll and stretch mark. I use to not check for new stretch marks because I didn't care. But now I do. While I was at the pool my friend pointed out how I have stretch marks on my calves. I've never noticed them but now I feel so self conscious about them. I don't even wanna wear a bikini anymore. Cause all I see if a fat pig looking back at me. I would post a pic of me and I'm sure I'd get a message that says I'm perfect but I don't think so. Everything about me is just so fucked up.