Today is the day of my funeral. I always hated to go to others because of all the sadness, sorrow, regret, glum and many other emotions which captures peoples mind, heart and body.
I had many suicidal thoughts when I was younger but I always told myself "just let me live another day" till I turned 23, when I couldn't stop nor Control myself, I had to kill myself and thought if don't do it now I will keep living in this hell of a life as I was exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.
But what I didn't know was that this scene before me is a lot worse than hell.
Laying on the bed of the dead ones, also known as coffin I observed mom screaming, crying and balling her eyes out which sent shivers to my whole dead soulless body. I felt like getting up and wiping her precious tears and hugging her like there is no tomorrow which in my case isn't really, and-and tell her comforting words such as ( I'm here and I'll always be by your side) but couldn't. Gladly dad was there doing exactly that for me all while sobbing silently.
My siblings are crying too... ha.....we always wished and cursed the other to die whenever we got in fights but what about now huh? . I wanted to tease but Again couldn't do so.
Watching my loved ones heartbroken and depressed was hell itself.
Suddenly I felt like I was flying. The sky got nearer and so was the sun, clouds and birds. I wanted to lift my hands but couldn't. Hearing my loved ones screams getting louder made me realize that I'm being carried.
My heart was pounding but it wasn't really because I'm dead, laughing mentally at my death joke to myself.
After a few moments of flying I felt getting down and instantly I felt alarmed, afraid, nervous, lost and useless. Why am I feeling like this now not when I went out and bought my cause of death, not when I came Back to my dark room and stared at the bottle of poison before me and why not when I finally drank it, why...WHY.....WHY?!!!
Was it a wrong decision? Do I regret this?, but what was I supposed to do back then??
NO!!...... I regret this, there could've been another way. I could've talked to somebody. Immediately I remembered dad last words to me "honey are you okay?" "Yes" I would reply " you know that I'm always by your side and I'll always be all ears for you, right?"
Unfortunately it's too late. They put the coffin in the ground and all at once the memories rushed in front of me, when I was a kid to when I turned a teenager to an adult.
Memories of the time I spent with my family and friends.
I started screaming silently to not leave me here " mama you know I'm fearful of darkness and loneliness ,right ?", "Papa please do something and ask them to stop" and " sis why aren't they listening to me? Why aren't YOU listening to me ?!!"
All the pleading and yelling went to waste when they covered the coffin and that was when I last saw light. The last time I saw my loved ones. The last of everything.
The last ~
-Haifa 💜
