Holes in the Darkness- a Judas Syndrome Anthology

Homecoming

Warning: contains spoilers for Rebirth

It's so quiet I can hear

My thoughts touching every second

That I spent waiting for you….

VNV Nation, “Beloved”

Here, I thought. Here is a good place to finally stop.

Ignoring the pain that flared in my limbs and back, I lowered myself to a sitting position under an ancient maple. The sun’s dying rays turned its leaves gold and dappled the ground, which was soft and green at last after years spent buried under radioactive muck. It was late, but time had stopped mattering the moment I arrived here.

Tiny stars began piercing the deepening sky, but I did not spare them more than a glance. Instead, I gazed at the weather-ravaged ruins and hollow outbuildings in front of me, and remembered.

It was here, decades ago, that people I loved had been torn from me with varying degrees of violence. Even my own innocence and faith in humanity, in God, was buried beneath this soil. Somehow I had soldiered on, amidst tears and rage and hope, and now it appeared that I had come full circle. The last time I had been here, I was a young mother with so much to live and fight for. Now I was an old woman who looked at the stars but felt too weary from cancer and infirmity to appreciate their beauty.

Time had changed this place –and me- almost beyond recognition. My hair, once a rich brown, was now streaked with grey. Wrinkles lined my face and my body was deflated by age and illness. The reality was depressing, but I felt only peace right now. The evening air was sweet and the only sound was the distant buzzing of honey bees in the rejuvenated garden that now marked Joel’s grave.

Sitting there in the tree’s lengthening shadow, I recalled how this place had witnessed funerals and gun battles and suicides, and felt my chest tighten. Then I smiled as memories of exhilaration and dancing and love took over, personified by one man whose grave was a few yards from where I sat.

Although other men shared my life –and my bed- over the years, I had never forgotten Joel. Every so often, as I watched our son fulfill his destiny to save our generation, my heart would resurrect my troubled lover. I would recall the sharp ring of his laughter, his smooth muscles flexing over my body in the dark, his heartbeat galloping wildly beneath my fingertips, the soft words we whispered in the night, and the terrifying thrill of fighting by his side. I’d remember the taste of his warm and possessive lips, the brilliance of his gray eyes, and the smile that could light up his serious face like pure sunshine. That was before mind and heart and sanity were ripped apart, before the moment when the whole that Joel and I had been was torn back into two halves. Then I’d relive the roar of the bullet that killed Connor, Joel’s desperate yell for me to leave him alone in the locked bathroom, and the vivid red water that contrasted with his waxen, unresponsive face. His last words, scribbled on a pile of dirty foolscap, haunted me even now; I’d run them over and over again in my mind, each time trying out different possibilities, but never coming to a final meaning that felt right.

Footsteps suddenly broke the deepening silence. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a tall, lanky shadow materialize behind me, to my left. Neither of us moved for a long time. Then the newcomer approached, maneuvered in front of me, and sank to his knees. A hand reached out to clasp my shoulder.

“Sara,” Joel whispered.

At the sound of his voice I smiled slowly, restoring some youth to my face. I lifted my chin and our eyes met.

“I’m sorry I kept you waiting for so long,” he continued.

“I came for you,” I whispered. “I knew you would be here.”

Tears of joy flooded my eyes and trembled on my lashes. When they spilled over he stroked my cheek, gently wiping them away. “I promised you, Sara.”

“Joel—” I began. His finger touched my lips and I stopped.

“I promised that we would be together again.” Joel cradled my face in his hands, his cool touch infusing my skin with color and youth. “But I went somewhere you couldn’t follow, not before you lived out your life as you were meant to. You’ve been so brave, Sara. For me and for our son. But it’s all over now.  Nothing will ever come between us again.”

“No,” I smiled. “Never.”

I reached out and touched Joel’s face, reacquainting myself with those beloved features. My fingertips ran along his jaw, traced the curve of his lips, and continued across his cheekbones before dancing across an expanse of blonde, tousled hair. Our lips brushed lightly just before our mouths opened and tongues met. The grey drained from my hair, the chronic pain left my limbs, and Joel and I melted into one another, making two halves whole once again.

Above us, dusk turned into night, and my body became as cool and still as the moon.

Joel and I had forever now.