TRIGGER WARNING
This story includes talks of self harm and mental illness
If this is triggering to you please proceed with caution or feel free to read one of my other stories :)
"A week already." I say to the reflection of myself in the mirror. "How?" My voice cracks from trying to choke back the tears, but before I know it, I'm on the bathroom floor with my head in my hands, sobbing so hard I can barely breath. I can't form proper words or even proper thoughts. I feel completely empty. My other half was stolen from me and no matter how much I want it or how hard I try I can never get it back. After a few hours of nothing but crying, I finally pick myself up and at least try to make it to my bed. Every part of me is shaking, my mind feels foggy and my vision is blurry. My head is pounding as well.. or maybe it's the door. At this point my thoughts are so messed up that I can't really do anything properly. "Lance?" I hear a voice call my name. I sigh, in dread of facing an actual human being. Somehow, through all the pain in my body, I manage to get up and walk to my door. It slides open, revealing none other than my best friend, Hunk. He's the only one who actually comes and checks on me from time to time and brings me something to eat. And not that I don't appreciate it, but I'd just rather be alone. I try to focus on him, but instead I stare down and zone out. "Lance, Buddy? You've been in your room for days, we thought it'd probably be best to come and get you now." He looks at me from head to toe examining me very carefully. "Lance, have you even been eating anything that I've brought you?" I try to tell him yes, but I can't lie. So I don't answer at all. Even if I could say yes, my voice is too hoarse to speak. Every noise that I make, makes me feel like I've been swallowing glass. He pushes me out of the way knocking me into a wall. I don't even try to stop him from seeing how much of a mess I've become since what happened. "Lance! Get in here right now!" He yells at me from my bathroom, like he's my mom or Shiro. I slowly make my way back towards the bathroom and see him pointing towards the trash can. "All of the food I've brought you this week!" I sigh and meet eyes with him. "What about it?" His face turns red. I can tell he's getting angry, but at the moment I'm too overwhelmed with everything else that's been happening to even care. "Why is it in the trash?" His voice gets louder, this time, really causing my head to pound. "I don't know." Believe me, I tried to eat. No, no, I forced myself to eat, but everything that I did eat, I threw back up. I got tired of it and quit trying. "Lance McClain, you better answer me!" Hunk continues to yell at me, so I sit there and 'listen' He goes on blabbering about how I'm looking too thin and if I don't eat I'm gonna die, but right now it doesn't sound so bad. I walk away in the middle of his sentence and collapse on my bed. He bluntly stops and the whole room is filled with silence. I situate myself on my bed and stuff my face into a pillow so he can't hear me crying, but I know it's not working. He proceeds to walk toward me still saying nothing. I can feel him stare at me for a minute before breaking the silence. "Lance." He takes a deep breath and sighs. "I'll just leave you alone for awhile." I let him walk out of the room, without saying a word back. As the door closes I can hear multiple voices start to ask him a billion questions. I become furious, I even hear Matt's voice. How can they all get over this so quickly, am I the only one who is actually still dealing with it? I hear them all talking about me. 'Is he okay?' 'What happened?' 'Why was there shouting?' "EVERYONE STOP IT!" He yells, causing it to become silent once again. There's not a single word from anyone but Hunk. "I don't know how he's feeling, but if anything, I think it's worse." He's right. Every day that passes by, my feelings become stronger. I can feel myself slowly being taken over by depression, anxiety, anger etc. I'm forgetting what's real and what's just in my head and I'm terrified. After a few more hours, I get up and stretch out some. My whole body is in so much pain that it hurts to even breathe, but I force myself to move. When I stand up and look over, the first thing I see is the video game. That stupid video game, I hate it so much. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. It kills me to look or even think about it, but it's always there, taunting me and reminding me of what I don't have anymore. I can't break it though, she wouldn't want me to. So I let it sit there, untouched. I turn around and sit back down on my bed. This time I've got my knees up to my chest with my arms wrapped around my legs. I close my eyes and just sit there, in the deafening silence. My breathing becomes quicker, shorter, and more uneven. I quickly pull a pillow up to my face and yell. I've contained my anger for so long that it just slips out every once and awhile. I yell hard enough that my voice completely gives out. Now I'm only wheezing air in and out of my lungs. I throw the pillow across my room and slam my hands on my head clutching onto my hair, still just wheezing. I really am losing it, aren't I? It takes me a while to calm myself, but I never really fully calm down. I find myself in the quiet once more, and return to having my knees against my chest with my arms around my legs. I close my eyes again and lose myself to the depression that fills the atmosphere. I clutch my fists onto my sleeves so tightly, I could probably make tears in them, easily. No one knows what's going on with me, fully. Yes, they're dealing with it too, but no one will understand. Not even her own brother could understand. Tears begin to surface. I shut my eyes tightly and try to choke them back, but they force their way out. A few minutes pass. I can't take it any longer. Just one last time, I just need to speak to her one last time. So I do. "Pidge." My voice is raspy, weak, and painful. "I need you, Pidge." Saying her name breaks me into a million pieces, making me feel empty. "I can't do this." I start to bawl even harder than I did in the bathroom. "I could've saved you, but I didn't. Why didn't you want me to save you? I want you here Pidge! YOU SHOULD'VE LET ME DIE INST-" My voice gives out again, as more tears fall from my eyes. "Pidge. What am I gonna do?" I know she's not here, but still, I wait for a reply. "Sometimes.... When I do get sleep. I dream that you're in my arms, and that I can feel your heart, beat against my own." I pause for a moment and take a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts. "And in my dream, they're always on the same pace. And I'm so happy, until I wake up....... and you aren't there. I lose you completely. I-I-I want you back. I need you back. I want to hold your hand again. I want to pull you close to me, and place your head against my chest. I want to feel like I'm protecting you from everything around us, but I can't..... and I couldn't. I'm sorry Pidge. I'm so so s-" At this point, I find it impossible to compose myself. I don't want to compose myself. I'd rather lose it and feel like I'm with her, than stay sane and feel like a part of me is missing. "Pidge. Come back, I need you." I open my eyes and am taken aback by what's surrounding me. Everywhere in my room I see lights. They're all two colors. Blue and green. Those are our colors. Either now, I have completely gone insane, or she's really here with me. I reach out to touch one of the lights in front of me, but my hand passes right through it.
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Once again I feel disconnected from her. Even though it doesn't work, I keep on trying to grab one. I get up from my bed and start to reach for the blue ones too. "P-Pidge." I give up on trying to keep the lights, and find myself collapsed onto my knees, just staring at one of the green ones. "Pidge." Her name is all I can say through my tears and pain. Saying it kills me, yet it somehow makes me feel less alone. "I love you Pidge." I start to aggressively wipe the tears from my eyes, so I can see them a little longer. "I wish I could've told you before you died." Forming that sentence, putting the last three words together, is so hard. I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it, but I have to. Even if that means feeling like I'm living in hell. The lights slowly begin to fade away, and I'm left in the dark. I'm alone again. I wish that those moments could've lasted forever, but that's not how life works. Those lights were the closest thing to being with her, that I could get. She was my light, she's what made me see the good in life. But like I said, the lights faded away, and now I'm left in the dark. I'm sorry Pidge, I love you.
