I'm sorry, I love you.

Apology

Date: Wednesday, May 19th, 2021.
Time: 1:05 pm

We wait at the door for a sound.
For screaming, crying, yelling, mumbling, or even just talking.
We wait for something... Anything.
But there's nothing. It's completely silent.
"It's been like this for the past few days." Shiro sighs, turning his head to look at me while grabbing the clipboard off of the wall.
"He hasn't spoken for days? or he hasn't even made a sound?" I cross my arms. I'm irritated, and it definitely shows.
He shakes his head in confusion, flipping through the pages on the board.
"When I'm with him he won't even make a sound. For the past two weeks, every time I've checked in on him, he sits in the same place. He doesn't move and he doesn't answer me when I speak to him. I'm not sure if he's just not listening... or if he can even hear me at all." He folds one arm in while holding the clipboard with the other hand, now leaning on his right leg. His brows are furrowed as he reads the writing on the pages.
"On the surveillance cameras, it'll show that he walks around in the middle of the night and then he'll switch the corners he sits in. Sometimes he'll lay down, but once he's settled, he doesn't move for hours... it's like... it's like he's-"
He stops himself and clears his throat.
It's almost as if he doesn't want to believe what he's observed.
"It's like he's what?"
He remains silent, reaching back out to put the clipboard up once again.
"Shiro, why aren't you saying anything?"
He rubs his face with his hands for a moment, probably debating on whether he should tell me what he's thinking or not.
But whatever he chooses, he's still going to tell me anyway.
"Shiro?"
My heart speeds up a bit, while I wait anxiously for him to speak.
I look up at him, hoping he might say something.
Finally, he takes his hands off of his face looking at the intercom on the left of the metal door in front of us.
"It's like he's forgetting how to... like he's forgetting how to live?- I-I know, it makes no sense... but I spend more than a few hours, every single day, being in that room with him and nothing that he does is... normal."
I sigh. Now looking at the floor, I put my hands in my pockets.
"I mean, do you really expect him to be normal? Shiro, he's going insane."
Insane...
That word echoes in my head, bringing back memories of the last time I saw Lance.
Months have passed since then and still, I have nightmares about that day.
Now, I'm finally allowed to see him again, and my hopes were that he'd be better.
For the most part, I trusted Shiro. I trusted that he'd figure out what's going on, and that maybe he'd have a plan... but part of me knew something was wrong and neither medicine nor therapy could help.
I would brush it off and tell myself 'everything will be okay' though deep down, I was and I still am... angry.
I'm angry that this is happening.
I'm angry at myself for not making it to him sooner. For letting him believe I was dead.
Everyone was wrong.
They all told me it'd be better if he didn't know I was alive...
And then they thought that bringing me to him, only to rip us apart again would fix everything.
But now look at Shiro and me, we're right back in the position we were in six months ago, standing in front of a metal door, unsure of what we're going to encounter.
What happened?
What went wrong?
Where did the team that helped each other physically and mentally go?
Did my 'death' really affect everyone that much?
Did they think that we'd all be safe the whole time team Voltron existed?
They were stupid to think that.
Fighting battles comes with death.
And we all needed to accept that.
Shiro places a hand on my shoulder, I'm brought back to earth again.
I realize that I'm shaking, my hands are now in fists, inside of my pockets.
My eyes are burning, everything is blurry.
I take a deep breath and look Shiro in the eyes, tears rolling down my cheeks. He looks... heartbroken.
"Katy... I-" He chokes back tears. "I... am so sorry."
My heart sinks.
There's nothing a sorry can do to fix this, but for some reason, it gives me a bit of peace and the storm inside of me begins to settle down.
Though the rain is lighter now, the sun is still hidden behind clouds.
"I should have brought you back sooner. Honestly, at this point, I don't know what to do. I really thought he would get better. I swear I wasn't keeping you from him to make things worse. I guess I just didn't realize how much he needs you."
He stops speaking. We're standing in complete silence once again, but just for a moment.
He steps in front of me and grabs both of my hands, staring directly into my eyes. "Pidge."
Tears are streaming down his face as well. He's troubled. "You're the only one left in his mind... he doesn't remember anyone of us except you.
I couldn't bring myself to tell you, because I didn't want to make things worse, but now I realize that you should have known from the beginning..."
He lets go of one of my hands, bringing his own to his head. He taps his temple a couple of times.
"You're all he has left up there."
He lets go of my other hand, taking a step towards the intercom.
I stop him by pulling his shirt.
He looks at me his face covered with concern, but it eases as he realizes why I've stopped him.
"You sure?"
"What difference does it make if he can't even hear you?"
He nods his head, pressing a few numbers on a padlock next to the intercom.
He steps back, patting me on my head, he smiles.
"It's only you and him in there."
I return the smile, turning my head to look him in the eyes before stepping into what seems like a different world.
"Thank you, Shiro."
I look back ahead of me, he presses enter on the padlock and the door slides open, revealing a room that feels empty, but I know isn't. A part of me can't help but wonder if he's ever escaped, or maybe if he almost has before.
I walk further into the seemingly empty room, hearing the door shut behind me.
It's different here.
The walls surrounding me are no longer rough stone.
Now they're smooth white concrete and the floors are tile.
There's a bench underneath the barred window that wasn't there before, as well as a clock above the door.
Lance's side of the room has also been changed and he's obviously broken it in, or so the scuffs on the walls tell me.
The only source of light in the room right now is the sun shining through that window.
I stop only a few feet away from the glass.
I put my hand against it as memories of my last visit flood my head once again.
There's a dark corner behind the glass, in it is a figure facing the wall, slumped over, sitting in a criss-cross position.
I was guessing he would be back there somewhere.
That's where I found him last time.
I walk towards the bench, feeling it with my fingertips. It's just like any old metal bench, hard and cold.
Next, I examine the walls a bit more. They look new, and so do the floors.
I make a circle and find myself back in front of the glass, staring at the off white floors
I lift my head to look at him again.
He hasn't moved at all, not even to see who entered the room.
I take a breath and close my eyes preparing myself for what will happen when I talk.
I sigh, my hands return to my pockets.
I open my eyes once again. "Lance?"
I wait for one, but there's no response, not even any movement.
I tilt my head in confusion, squinting my eyes, and furrowing my brows.
I try again. "Lance, you there?"
I fake a chuckle, pretending I'm not worried, but the truth is, I expected him to answer me.
He remains still and silent.
My heart sinks, but I continue to try and have a conversation with him. Even if it's one-sided.
"A lot has changed here, hasn't it? I probably wouldn't have known where I was if I only faced the door..."
This whole situation is a bit unsettling, but I push through.
I look up at the ceiling, there are light fixtures, but none of them are on at the moment and the emergency lights above the window are gone.
"I know you probably won't answer me, but why don't they have the lights on behind the glass?
It's so dark in there, doesn't that bother you?"
A few minutes of silence pass and I finally decide to sit down.
I choose the floor over the bench, in case Lance decides he'd like to sit in front of me.
I observe him for a while before I begin to speak again.
His hair has grown a significant amount, and from the back of him, he looks like he might actually be eating more.
I can't see his spine through his clothes like I could before at least.
He's also out of that stupid jacket. That's good.
My guess is that it means he's not hurting himself anymore.
He looks clean, his hair is brushed through, and seems to be well taken care of. There's no blood around his neck or on his arms.
It's good... right? It's good, yes... but even though he's looking better physically, knowing he isn't even speaking shows that mentally, he's in a worse state of mind than before.
And I don't even have to doubt that he's taking care of himself, I know he isn't. Shiro's the one who's been looking after him so well.
But does that mean he's completely shut down?
Is he so trapped inside of his own head that he doesn't even care that anyone is helping him?
It's a complete turn around from the last time I was here.
The last visit, no one could touch him, no one could even get near him.
He was hardly eating and they had him in a straight jacket because he would try to escape his own body. He was just barely living.
I know he must be physically healthier now, but is it strange to feel so worried about it?
It feels so off to me that he doesn't hate help. It feels so strange to think about what Shiro said earlier. How he spends hours on end with Lance and there's not even a need to be cautious.
What switched inside of him?
What changed, and how long after I left did it take for him to get to start the journey to this state of mind?
I clear my throat and begin again.
"You look like you feel better... outwardly at least. I bet it's nice to be out of that dumb jacket, right? You get to... stretch your arms and stuff."
I'm struggling to come up with things to talk about. Why is this so hard?
We used to have so many one-sided conversations because I didn't know how to keep my mouth shut, but now I'm struggling to say a single sentence?
Maybe it's all in my head, maybe I should just talk like nothing ever happened.
Maybe I just need to remember who I'm talking to... and maybe that starts with an apology.
"Lance, I just- I just want to say I'm sorry."
I place my head against the glass.
"I didn't want to leave and not get to see you for 6 months... and if that's the reason you're like this right now, I'll never... ever forgive myself."
My eyes begin to well up with tears as I place my hand over my heart and clutch onto my shirt.
"But I don't want you to blame Shiro for it... I trusted that he could help you, but something inside of me told me he couldn't... and I didn't listen to myself. So.."
My chest becomes heavy, it's hard to breathe, and at this point, I'm on the verge of sobbing.
"I understand if you're angry at me, and I understand if you hate me. I just don't want you to stay shut down like this. Maybe you're listening to me right now and maybe you're not. I have no idea what's going on in your head at all, but I know somewhere in you, you're still there."
Now I've completely broken down.
I use my shirt collar to wipe the tears from my eyes, but it's pretty much useless as long as I keep on crying.
"You can hate me, it's okay... because honestly, at this point, it would be hard not to..."
My voice breaks and I place my hand on my forehead letting myself sob without any restraint.
"Gosh- Lance I miss you so much-"
I inhale sharply, bringing my knees to my chest.
"And I love you so much... I'm so so sorry for not telling you more. I don't know why I didn't tell you enough. I just wish I could make up for it, and I guess that's why I'm apologizing so much right now... I want you back so badly, okay? Even if you come back hating me with every fiber of your being, I just need you to be yourself again."
I take a deep breath, regaining control over my tears, I keep my head down.
"I miss your funny jokes and your weird little goofy things you'd do. I miss how you'd light up a room when you walked in. And when no one else noticed it, I did, I noticed...
So what I'm really trying to say is,"
I reposition myself to be in a criss-cross position and place my head against the glass again as I draw shapes on the tile floor with my finger.
I sigh.
"I'm sorry for hurting you, I miss you, and I really really do love you, and I always will... even if you come back and you don't love me anymore."
I close my eyes for a moment, waiting, hoping, praying that something will happen.
And for a few seconds, you can only hear us both breathing out of sync.
Suddenly, I can hear him shuffle around in that dark corner.
My head shoots up and my heart begins to beat quicker.
I move my hair out of my face, watching him as he moves his arm and reaches for the back of his neck.
He scratches it, then returns to the same position he's been in for who knows how long.
Oh...
My heart sinks.
Now I feel like all I can hope for is that my words got through to him at all.
But how much hope do I even have left?
Feeling somewhat heartbroken, I wait for a few more minutes until I come to the conclusion that he really isn't going to do or say anything.
I stand up, my legs feel weak and somewhat stiff, I must have been sitting there longer than I realized.
I stretch and walk around the room again, my mind feels so foggy I can hardly even think straight.
I have a headache from crying.
I look at the clock above the door, it's almost 2:30 pm.
All I can think is how on earth did I lose track of time so badly?
It had just turned 1:00 pm when I first got here, how did an hour and a half pass by so quickly?
I decide to sit down on the bench rather than the floor now, in hopes of relieving the pain of my aching head.
I close my eyes for what was only supposed to be a couple of minutes, but I find myself drifting to sleep.
I don't attempt to stop it, so I place my head in my hands finally giving in to my exhaustion.