Dear Diary,...

Day 1 - Who I am

07/17 - 13:53

Well... How can I start?... Uhm, hi, diary. You're the first one I've got since I was... 7? Anyway, as a teenager of course I do have more problems to split out than when I was just an innoccent kid. You don't know who I am, so let's introduce. Hi, I'm ____, I'm a tipic desesperate girl about to become 15 (next year). I have more problems than I thought I would ever have, which scares me... When I was little I was scared of insects, ghosts, vampires, werewolves, aliens, psychopaths, murderes, thiefs, and so on (Yes, I was a stupid scaried girl). However, now the only thing that I'm scared, that can hurt me, is myself. How? This must be confusing but...

It all started 1 year ago when I was only 13. My friend (I won't use the real names because I can't reveal somebodyelse identidy in a website), Rail, a girl that came to my class, before, we were separated in the year beofre that one. In that time she was one of my best friends. Unfortunately, she wasn't that sociable, then, as she said the only true friend that she had was me. It's nice someone to make you feel special, but she was possessive. I couldn't make any groups with my other friends without feeling bad fo leaving her. Our friendship was happy, but made of paper. Just as Margo Ruth Spielman, from the book Paper Towns (John Green) , I could say that our friendship was senisble, fragil, and easily breakable. And as a paper, once torn or smashed, no matter what you do, there will always be scars carved in it. I would never be the same again. Why it was like this? Because she lie, and a lot. She wants to be an actress, she said she is good, wondering that anyone can see her fakeness. When in reality, everyone does, but don't tell. With me was always that little white lies and else, although I always kept my eye on her. Because at any time she could lie to me as she lie to everyone. Once I asked why she did lie something to me,and she it was because she was scared of what I would think of her, and thought taht I would leave. Well that made me very angry, "Oh so I'm the one you can tell anything, but you still hide things from me that you're not ashamed to tell the others? Well, thank you! I'm feeling like a very useful friend!".

Dear diary, you might be thinking "Oh, but if she was hurt? If she had problems? If she needed help?". In that case she avoided telling me, no she didn't avoided, she LIED. About what? Once she was going to go to a club with another friend. The problem is that this fucking club was where teenagers used to make out on the weekend. And she told me that in the day she gave up. Well, I was quite happy, because her reputation wasn't one of the bests, having dated 3 guys with 13 years old, wasn't something 'normal'. I'm not judging her because she was in love, she wanted all the boys to like her, she once told me this. And if the relationship get her bored she only break his heart in tiny little cracks. Getting back with the club, in the next day after the club's day she was talking with other girls in the class (some of them were my friends). I got closer and I could hear "Yeah, he was about our age but 1 or 2 older, I think", before she stops. I got a distance and she continued. She was hiding something from me. Later in that day she told me she actually went to the club and kissed 2 boys, one older and one younger. Why she didn't told me after? My other best friend Layol (fake name), told me the truth. She made out with 8 guys. Not 2. Well after this she dated some other guys from my class, and she was named "slut" or "mouse" because people thought she looked like one.

When I discovered she had a secret. One day she decided to tell it to me. She was a cutter. It wasn't quite a surprising new because I was often seeing her sad. No, she was depressed. Suicidal, and I wanted to help her. I wanted really hard. I couldn't stand knowing that every second it passed she could be not breathing anymore. I tried to hepl her. But as one quote I saw online "A girl once told me to be careful when trying to fix a broken person, for you may cut yourself on their shattered pieces" I got hurt. I got her addiction to razors. She was getting well, and I was drowning. It seemed like a balance, I was getting heavy and she lighter. I got a really bad depression, I've made a lot of depression tests online. I was usually thinking of death and the many possiblities I could kill myself. I'm not pretty, I'm not funny, I'm annoying and boring. The only thing I'm good at is school, even though my grades are getting lower. I had nothing, no boy loved me, I got the feeling like everyone hated me, that my friends only were there because they had pity. Iwas useless, worthless... I got stuck in my mind that was wrong for existing, that's why I should be paying for my sin with blood. I was demoniac I admit, dear diary. But how to drown the demons when they know how to swim? After this, another friend, an ex from Rail, he helped me getting through this. He said he liked me, but I always thought it was a joke you know? It wasn't natural, when he sees me he looks like I'm gonna kill him, he looks scared. And yes, I feel bad for it. Specially for not liking him back. The year passed and I was finally getting better. When I found out.

On a holiday (a week) me, my friend (Layol) and our families drove to a campsite to relaxed. I could use my phone beacase my 3G sucks, but she could. And a boy from our class told asked her a phone of her in her underwear. She obviously denied, and he said that Rail did send it. She didn't believed, he send the photos to her, she showed me and damn God. She really did it, in provocative positions and "funny" lingeries. She was only fucking 14! HOW could she do this?!?! She isn't that dumb. In the end the boy got punished and she got totally free. I told Rail that I knew about the photos, and she denied it was her. She said that it was assembly, that wasn't her body. Then I asked the photos she used for the "assembly", she send some hottie photos, but they didn't matched with the boy's ones. And I KNEW she was lying. I could be her best friend if she couldn't on me enough to ask me for a stupid help. She could have asked for advice! She knew this was wrong! If he threatened her? She said wrote that he wouldn't be her friend anymore (they weren't even friends -.- {pokerface}). Well in the end I "accepted" her apologises (she couldn't stop cruing on the phone) and really slowly I started to getting away from her. I didn't want to be her doll that always believes in her no matter what. I'm a proof girl, I state my opinion with the proofs I have, and I found out a new ponit of view: she was becoming a popular bitch. Even though the photos shocked great part of our class one week later new girls came to our class, and now the Rail has the attencion she always wanted. Not only due to the new friends but also the new boyfriend. Yep, he knew about the horny photos and he still fell in love with her. What's the problem? Her boyfriend is the only boy I've ever loved.

I confessed to myself that I liked him this year, my my heart started beating fast since the first year I met him (not love at first sight, I don't believe in this). And I tried this year to show him I was there for him. Once he said he liked me too! I was so happy. But at the last day of school before the summer holidays he told me he was dating Rail, that had always loved her. I was SO fucking angry! I mean, HE also LIED to me!! I was so broken, I didn't show it, I was being strong showing envy, not sadness. At break I draw some risks on my wrist, I admit diary, I'm weak... Now we accepted being just friends, as I said I really loved him and I wanted him to be happy (and also wanted him to broke his face when she, Rail, betrayl or change him for another guy, but that's another thing...hehe), Layol said I should get away from him, to forget him. But I CAN'T. Sorry. It's tough... Well, I've already booked a day for my suicide in case my life turns into a shit. Well, diary, know you know me better than anybody, maybe don't understand, but you know.