A Thousand Words

2. The Desk

The first day of school always makes me feel a sort of dropping feeling in my stomach, kind of like when you're on a rollercoaster about to drop. Except I love rollercoasters... Oh my God I can't believe I just compared rollercoasters to the hell that is school. At least rollercoasters are fun and the drop is anticipated. I don't like school one bit.

I stalk towards my first period class with my head down low. Any time someone nearby me whispers, I'm afraid that they might be talking about how ridiculous I look on the first day of school. Any time someone nearby me laughs, I'm afraid they're laughing at me. My counsellor from Youth Counselling explained to me that a huge symptom of social anxiety disorder is something called the "spotlight effect". This is when people feel like they are being noticed much more than they actually are. My counsellor tells me not to worry about whether or not people around me are secretly making fun of me, because chances are that everyone around me is too focused on themselves to pay too much attention to me. I try keeping this thought at the back of my mind.

My first period class is math. I head to class and immediately feel my anxiety rise as I see at least thirty other students are already in the classroom. I quickly head to the back of the classroom and take a seat in the back row, where I will hopefully remain unnoticed and the teacher won't call on me in class. While the rest of the students stream into the class, I look down at the desk that I'm sitting at. The desk is an absolute wreck. There are dozens of carving and scribbles all over it, mostly consisting of vulgar slang and rumors about other students. I see a disgusting comment about a girl who was in my biology class last year, so I scratched it out. I don't understand what kind of satisfaction people get out of hurting others.

I'm not a fan of vandalism but I can't help but want to add something to this desk. I retrieve a pen from my bag and write in an empty space on the desk; "I can't wait to leave this hellhole". 

Class begins and it's like any other math class I've ever taken. The teacher asks about our summer vacations and then takes us through the syllabus. And this is how pretty much every class in the day goes. I spent every class avoiding all human contact, and during lunch I ate my lunch under a tree outside and read a book at the same time so that I would look busy and not like a total loner. I can't wait for this day to end.