A Thousand Words

1. Alarms

There is a universally despised sound that comes from our phones every morning; the sound of the alarm clock. We all hate it because it signals the beginning of a long day of work or school or running some kind of errands. For me, however, I dread the sound of the alarm because it's the beginning of a long day full of anxiety at its worst.

Every morning is a miserable routine; as soon as I hear my iPhone's default alarm go off, I feel this awful feeling of dread rising from my stomach into my throat like I'm going to throw up. I immediately start brainstorming different ways I can convince my mom to let me stay home from school. If I rub my blanket against my neck and forehead and let out some coughs, my mom might think I'm sick... but then she would take me to the doctor's, and God knows how awfully anxious I get at the doctor's. I could tell her that it's field day and that attendance is optional. No... but then the school will call my mom and ask her why I haven't come to class today. Basically every morning I run through every possible scenario that can get me out of a long miserable day of school. But then every morning I remind myself that I can't just avoid school forever and that I have to graduate eventually. I'm in my senior year and the last thing I want is for me to fail any courses this year only to have to stay in school another year.

Then inevitably the tears start to flow... every. single. morning. It's miserable and exhausting. This particular morning of October 3rd 2018 was particular difficult for me because it was a Monday morning. My anxiety was always worse on Monday mornings because it was the beginning of the countdown to Friday. Just thinking of five consecutive days of nerves and sweating and racing thoughts... it's awful.

I cried into my pillow for what felt like forever. Snot and tears and sweat ran down my face but I didn't even care. It was 7:20 AM when I heard footsteps running up the stairs. I clenched my eyes shut. My mom was definitely about to scold me for not being up yet.

"Mischa! You haven't showered yet?! You need to get up right now!" My face was still stuffed in my pillow as my mom yanked the sheets off my body. I felt a chill rush over my body and I yelped in surprise.

My face was definitely still tear stricken when I sat up to glare at my mom. I felt awful for her... I know I put her through a lot but it wasn't something I could control. I felt especially bad as I saw her standing over me with her tangle blonde hair piled on top of her head and the dark circles around her chocolate brown eyes. I was always watching mom rushing from home to work to grocery shopping and then back home all the time. Being a single mother was difficult on her, and my tendency to skip classes was not making her life any easier. I didn't tell her that my auntie took me to a psychiatric clinic eight months ago and I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. My aunt agreed to keep it between us. I didn't want to stress out my mom even more.

"Honey? Why are you crying?" My mom immediately softened up at the sight of me. I sighed and wiped at my eyes, leaving leftover mascara from the day before smudged on my hand.

"I'm not feeling so well... I woke up feeling nauseous."

She sighed and nodded her head towards my biology textbook on my desk. "You told me you have a biology assignment due today. You have bio before lunch, right? Why don't you try to go to school for the first half of the day?"

I exhaled in defeat. She was right. I had worked really hard on this assignment and I needed to get my grades up anyways. "You're right. Okay Mom I'm just gonna go shower now." I got up and gave her a kiss on the cheek before heading to the bathroom. She told me to have a great day at school and then she left for work.

As soon as the water from the shower hit my face, I turned the shower knob to make the water hotter. Feeling the scalding water on my skin made me wish I could stay there all day until my whole body was as wrinkled as a raisin. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to go to school. I was distracted by my worrisome thoughts as I got out of the shower and blow dried my hair, got dressed, brushed my teeth and headed out the door without bothering to have anything for breakfast. I felt too nerve wracked to stomach any food.

I really thought October third was going to be just another anxiety-inducing day. But little did I know that there was something amazing and exciting awaiting me in my first period class.