Dear Reub,
You know I can’t lie to you, so I feel obligated to tell you all of this. I still drive by all those places we used to hang out. Do you remember any of them? I drive by the 7-Eleven (you know which one) and I keep remembering the day I met you.
I was looking through the aisles complaining about skittles when suddenly you came over,all outraged, like I poured cold water in you(Remember when Luke did?). You told me skittles were like god’s gift to the earth and I completely disagreed( I still do). Then we engrossed in a fiery debate about skittles and m&m’s. You thought skittles were better while I said m&m’s ruled(which they do). We never agreed on anything and then the night came. You said it was really late and you had to go and I offered you a ride. You said (and I quote) “I don’t take rides from strangers”(however you do start a debate about skittles, interesting). And I said something along the lines of: “My name’s Calum Hood. Now I’m not a stranger”. And you, surprisingly, agreed.
And we talked and talked about everything and nothing. Animals, food, music, so many things.(parlare del più e del meno, that’s what it’s called in Italy. Remember I told you I was learning Italian?) And I knew that I wanted to talk to you again. So right before you got out of my car I asked for your number and you said: “Well, Calum Hood, I don't really give my number to strangers, but for you I might make an exception.” And you asked me for my phone and to say I was surprised would be an understatement. I was shocked and really happy, because you, being you, could have any guy you wanted, and I was able to get your number. And when you gave it back, you said “call me” and you smiled, really really wide (you know, the happy smile). And you slammed the door closed and ran to your front steps. I remember you turned around and gave a little wave and then you disappeared inside the house. And all I could think was that I wanted to continue talking to you, to be by your side, and stay like that forever.
Reub, you remember why I call you that? I’m sure you do. We were at your house, getting ready to watch a movie. I asked what movie we were watching, and then you begged ( literally on your knees and all) to watch Lilo & Stitch. I accepted because you told me you loved that movie. And you don't have any idea of how much I love to see you happy. I just fucking love it, the twinkle in your eyes, the happy smile ( when you smile really wide, showing all your teeth and your dimples are left exposed) and the little giggles, oh how I love the giggles, it’s like music to my ears. I guess someone else will hear your giggles now. But anyway, you popped Stitch!The Movie on your DVD (still amused by how you got everything stitch related). And you told me you loved that character. I asked: “You love 625?” and you gasped, hit me on the chest and then said: “Don’t be rude! He has a name, it’s Reuben.” And I laughed and asked you why you loved him, the movie forgotten, but it didn't matter because you knew it by heart. You told me that it was because, even though he could do the same things as Stitch, he chose to do sandwiches because they made him happy. And that he wasn’t jealous of stitch, like Chopsuey. And I laughed so hard because it couldn’t be possible that you knew all the characters and plot lines, and you just frowned and told me I was as mean as Mertle which just caused me to laugh harder. And once I calmed down I told you “Ok I’m sorry Reub” and kissed your nose and you giggled, then we cuddled. And that’s how you turned into Reub. And when I kindly asked you to make me a sandwich you couldn’t deny because you were Reuben and making sandwiches made you happy. I don’t know if it still does, I hope it does. But all in all I was your Stitch (experiment 626) and you were my Angel (experiment 624). Yes, I blame you for making me learn every name and number of experiment of every experiment that was ever on the show or movies, it’s all on you. (You used a lot of space that could be used with vital info)
You used to send me silly selfies when you were bored. They were very cute, and though it may sound creepy (which it’s not I swear) I still see them sometimes. I like to remember the times I would see you like that. When you were taking picture and you would stick your tongue out while you wrinkled your nose. Sometimes you winked, other times you would pout, never the less, I always thought you looked beautiful (Cause you know, you are perfect). I see them sometime when I feel lonely, just to remind myself that I once felt differently, that I can feel like that again.
Recently I just, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like some numbness but not completely because I still feel sad, this incredible sadness that washes over me. (Kind of how you get when encountering a dementor) But I sure hope that it will wash away, maybe I just need some chocolate, who knows.
And I remember the day you told me we were over. You told me we had to talk, your voice cracking and I became really worried. I asked what was wrong, you stuttered, Calum I and you started crying your eyeliner getting ruined and ending all over your face. I wanted to hug you and hold you close, but you wouldn’t let me get anywhere near you. That was the moment I understood, and as I realized what was happening you looked at me and you started crying harder (I guess my expression was heartbreaking, yours was) And I couldn’t understand why you were doing it, I still don’t, to be honest. But you told me it was over, that we were over, and that we would be fine on our own. I really don’t know how you could think that. Are you okay? Your friends tell me you are doing fine, and I just can’t get it through my head, that you moved on. I mean, how can you be fine? Was it as real for you as it was for me? Was it just a lie for you? Because if it was serious, how in hell could you be fine? I can’t even hang out with my friends, and they asks why. But when I’m with them, not only do they remember me of you (as it seems, EVERYTHING remembers me of you). But when your name slips from their mouth, momentarily forgetting that we are no longer together, it breaks my heart a little bit more. I can’t hear your name when you haven’t been by my side in so long, it just hurts a lot.
And I really, with all my heart, wish that I could remember nothing at all. I know those memories make me happy, but they also make me extremely sad. I wish that I could forget about all the stupid things, the little silly things you did. Like your face when you laughed, tilted upwards, wrinkling your nose, eyes closed and mouth wide open. Or how it fell to fall asleep with you wrapped in my arms, the warmth you gave me in winter, and you left and I just feel so cold. And it’s just we made so many memories together, that it’s hard to escape them.
How can I forget the time I taught you to play bass (sorta, at least I tried). Or when you forced me to watch a Disney Princess movie marathon with you. Remember the time I literally carried you over to my house so you could help me clean my room? It ended up messier than before you arrived, but mom didn’t said a thing. Because she saw how happy I was with you, she loved you, she truly loved seeing you hanging around the house. When you arrived at my house, it was like suddenly the room lighted up, you brought a light with you, everywhere you went.
And while it hurts, I genuinely hope you are happy. Because all I ever wanted in life since I met you, was to see you happy (Now it’s just to KNOW not to see you because I don’t think I could bear the pain of seeing you and knowing you aren’t mine to hold)
You go and enjoy your life Reub, make as many sandwiches as you please, watch Lilo & Stitch all day, do whatever the fuck makes you happy, have a lot of fun, for the both of us, even if it doesn’t feel like that.
Love,
Calum xx
P.S. Pardon my french in this letter
P.S.2. Who knows, maybe one day I will wake up with amnesia, that would make me extremely happy, but then again I wouldn’t remember that I wanted amnesia, and I would be sad again. Can’t I win just once?
