Unable to Break

I don't know what it's like to faint. To break down.

I know pain so excruciating I lost my sight temporarily.

I know pain that felt like all my senses were electrified - touch, hearing, taste - cranked to max.

Making me puke, burning my throat, tearing a hole in my stomach.

I know how it felt to alternate between so hot the doctors were terrified you will cooked your own self - and so cold your teeth started chattering and your body wracked in shivers.

I know the feeling of losing muscular control that your body moves without your consent and you try to stop it but you can't and the nurses and doctors are horrified that you will break your own bones because you try to resist the movement.

And some of your relatives want to call an exorcist. Heh.

I know how it feels to be so tired, so sleepy, but sleep eludes you. 

And it comes in waves and now you are awake again but you are so tired- so tired.

I know how it is to be super sensitive to any sensation or pain but anesthesia wears off too quickly on you.

I walked into a head operation by myself and walked out by myself on the same day.

I know how to look at things you use to do that give you joy but now...you feel nothing.

I know how to cry but....not cry. Your tears fall but somehow you feel nothing inside and you don't know if it's the loss you are mourning or mourning the fact that you don't feel like mourning the loss because there are things that need to be done.

And through it all -I stay concious-awake- aware...

Not even granted the mercy of unconsciousness.

Moving along.

Trucking along.

Because I'm strong...

They say I am strong....

They all think I am strong....

So I don't need anyone...

Because...I am strong remember? What could I need?

They don't really hear me, don't really see me...

I try...I try again...my voice doesn't reach...

I'll disappear one day...

And no one will remember my true story...

I'll just be a footnote-

That weird girl/woman...

That strange one...that didn't need anyone...or so they think...

That opinionated, seeming vibrant strong woman...

The one that couldn't breakdown no matter what...