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This is Real

Is there a moment in your life that you wonder why your not good enough for others? Why don't I look or talk like other girls do? They're so comfortable and confident with themselves, getting a lot of the guys out there.

Why can't I be more like them huh?

I try to fit in.. I listen to the music my cooler friends listen to, dress more like them, try to do and like the things they do, and yet I get no results.

I feel like an outcast in my own life. I have a loving family and I'm not lacking if that's what you're thinking. I live a pretty great life with parents who love and adore me, a sister who may be a brat, but is there anyway.

I'm not like other children out there who are homeless or beaten or live without enough.

Unfortunately I feel like a shell of myself. I try to fit in because I don't want to feel left out or forgotten. I don't want to be a nobody.

Here's one journal entry I wrote during a tough time for me:

I don't want to leave the house I feel anxiety and stress by leaving my safe haven. My room is the only place I feel an ounce of comfortability. I hate the night terrors I wake up with each and every day, I sweat and cry out in my sleep each night and I don't go to bed until at least three or four in the morning. I want to feel better. I went to IHOP this morning and had short stack pancakes, I was jittery the whole time and my hands were shaking; goosebumps covered my entire body. When will I feel better, happier

, less depressed and sad? I hit myself last night so I wouldn't cut my arm, I did it over and over trying to make a bruise with no luck. The pain helped me to forget for a little while. Something is seriously wrong with me to always want to hurt myself... Today I am a 7 for depression, 2 for happiness, 7 1/2 or 8 for stress and anxiety. My heart beats so fast and I feel as if I'm running a marathon or something. I constantly feel on edge.

I had a mental breakdown one night after so many months of added depression. First my grandfather's death from serious cancer, my jaw surgery that resulted in serious depression afterward, my concussion.. Multiple things added to this downward spiral I was in.

•My grades started going down.

•I stopped socializing with my friends.

•I stayed home on the weekends. I didn't want to leave the house anymore and found myself always tired or sleeping.

•Family issues

•I was having suicidal thoughts.

I continually thought, "What if?"...

-I crash my car

-Drown myself in the bathtub

-Slit my throat

-Overdose

And many more terrible thoughts.

I was already on medicine for mild depression because my family all have a chemical imbalance and we're medicated for it.

They put me on Paxil.

The worst decision they could have ever made for me.

On Paxil I was always on edge, nerve-racked, and anxious. I was a bundle of energy and couldn't stay still. I had to be doing something at all times; whether it was tapping my fingers, clicking a pen, exercise, etc.

I found myself unable to pay attention to my teachers in class. My mind would wonder off to different places and I couldn't keep my attention in one place. I tried constantly to hear and understand what they were saying, but...