Arthur: Gay or European?

     Arthur struggled against the ropes that bound him to a wooden chair. Melek Levi's servants gathered around him. 

     "There! Right there!" Sasha pointed at him. "Look at that tan, that tinted skin. Look at the killer shape he's in. Look at that slightly stubbly chin," she waved her arms. "Oh please, he's gay, totally gay." 

     Karl shrugged. "I'm not about to celebrate. Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate. This guy's not gay, I say not gay."  

     Everyone else looked puzzled. "That is the elephant in the room. Well, is it relevant to presume that a man who wears perfume is automatically fay?"

     Arthur was confused. He knew some of the servants were LGBTQ+ . Why would they be accusing him?  

     Olivia gestured at Arthur's feet. "But look at his quoft and crispy locks." 

     Sasha pointed at his feet. "Look at his silk, translucent socks." 

     "There's the eternal paradox. Look what we're seeing," Karl sighed. 

     "What are we seeing?" 

     "Is he gay?" 

     "Of course he's gay!" 

     "Or European?" 

     "Ohhhhhh..." the servants looked at each other. "Gay or European? It's hard to guarantee. Is he gay or European?" 

     Bellona raised her hand defensively. "Well...Hey, don't look at me!"  

     Harmony smiled. "You see, they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports. They play peculiar sports..." 

     The servants laughed a bit. "In shiny shorts and tiny shorts!" they regained their composure and Arthur groaned. "Gay or foreign fella? The answer could take weeks. They will say things like 'ciao bella' while they kiss you on both cheeks." 

     Sasha rolled her eyes. "Oh please." 

     "Gay or European? So many shades of gray!" 

     Bellona grinned. "Depending on the time of day, the French go either way." 

     The servants exchanged glances. "Is he gay or European? Or-" 

     Lila pointed at Arthur. "There! Right there! Look at that condescending smirk. Seen it on every guy at work. That is a metro-hetro jerk. That guy's not gay, I say no way." 

     Arthur hoped that she'd convince the others.

     "That is the elephant in the room. Well, is it relevant to assume that a hottie in that costume..." the servants continued. 

     Sasha waved her arms again. "Is automatically, radically." 

     "Ironically, chronically," sighed a half-convinced Karl. 

     "Genetically, medically," Bellona nodded.

     Everyone grinned at Arthur. "Gay! Officially gay! Officially gay, gay, gay, gay!" 

     Arthur winked at Lea. 

     "Dammit! Gay or European?" 

     Karl was convinced. "So stylish and relaxed." 

     "Is he gay or European?" 

     "I think his chest is waxed." 

     Harmony frowned. "But they bring their boys up different there. It's culturally diverse. It's not a fashion curse..." 

     "If he wears a kilt or bears a purse," the servants finished. "Gay or just exotic? I still can't crack the code. "

     Rosalind sighed. "Yet his accent is hypnotic, but his shoes are pointy-toed." 

     "Huh. Gay or European? So many shades of gray!" 

     Lea batted her eyelashes. "But if he turns out straight, I'm free at eight on Saturday." 

     "Is he gay or European? Gay or European? Gay or Euro-" 

     Olivia stepped forward. "Wait a minute! Give me a chance to crack this guy. I have an idea I'd like to try." 

     Karl stepped back. "The floor is yours." 

     "So, Mr. Swift...this alleged affair with Ms. Windam has been going on for...?" 

     "Two years," Arthur found himself answering. 

     "And your first name again is...?"  

     "Arthur." 

     "And your boyfriend's name is...?" 

     "Levi," his jaw refused to clench. He tried to save himself. "I'm sorry! I misunderstand. You say boyfriend. I thought you say best friend. Levi is my...best friend." 

     Levi stormed into the room yelling. "You bastard! You lying bastard! That's it! I no cover for you no more! Peoples, I have a big announcement! This man is gay and European! And neither is disgrace. You've got to stop being a completely closet case. It's me, not her he's seeing. No matter what he say. I swear he never ever ever swing the other way. You are so gay! You big parfait! You flaming boy in cabaret!" 

     "I'm straight!" Arthur protested. 

     "You were not yesterday. So if I may, I'm glad to say: he's gay!" 

     The servants smiled. "And European!" 

     "He's gay!" 

     "And European and gay!"  

     "Fine, okay, I'm gay!" Arthur shouted. 

     "Hooray!" 

     "Fine! Okay! We're gay!" Arthur and Levi laughed, hugging each other.