Over and Over, Again and Again

1 ~

'They hate you, they all hate you.'

'They never want to see you again.'

'You don't deserve to be a part of this world.'

'Nobody wants to speak to you.'

'They would murder you if they were allowed.'

'Everyone just wants you to die.'

I screamed as loud as I could, covering my ears to block out the squeaky sound my own body was making. I replayed over and over the sentences that everyone in school must be thinking. I was sat on my bed; the red rugged sheets had always been scratchy and uncomfortable.

"They want me out. Why can't the spirits just take me?" I thought.

I hated these awful feelings.

No. I stopped and looked at the clock, a spindly white circle piercing the sharp, black numbers into my eyes. It was too late. I wanted to sleep. I didn't want to sleep. I was tired, very tired, yet I still wanted to stay awake. Automatically. I reached out to grab my iPod and plugged in the tangled earphones. I skipped through various songs until I found one I wanted to listen to. I pulled over the raggedy duvet and settled onto the lumpy mattress. Curling over to one side, I let the music rush from my ears and stream through every part of my worthless body.

I awoke the next morning to being tangled in the wires, the earphones no longer in my ears. Still I could hear the music ever so quietly. I unlocked my iPod, which I found tucked down near my waist, and peered at the time. 7:48am. I needed to be up soon anyway, just so I could walk to school at 8:40am.

I was thankful to live near my school. That way, I wouldn't have to go through any torture on bus journeys. I knew what they would do to me if I travelled by bus. They'd kick me, punch me, hit me, and speak horribly to me. They do it enough in the school day, and when I say 'they', I mean 'them'. Those awfully popular girls, who think they are better than everyone, and think they can pull any boy they want to. Even some of the boys have a go at me, and they physically hurt me a lot more.

Why don't the teachers care? They do nothing. Even though, of course, I am not one to go crying to a member of staff about it. I guess it's all my fault for being the way I am.

I walked out of the driveway of my house and headed down the pavement. Today, I was cautious to not repeat wearing the same outfit as yesterday, they would only judge me and tell me I am unhygienic. Now I was wearing my canvas black pumps, black and white patterned leggings, a loose black tee with roses on it, and a simple black hoodie with a white, cartoon figure of a ghost on it. My black hair was tied messily in a pony tail, with my bangs falling in front of my face. I carried my black and white backpack on my back, feeling it bang against my thighs with every step I took.

I never met anyone on the way to school. Well, as an exception, I occasionally saw a man walking his Border Collie dog every morning. I didn't know anything about him, but he always gave me a friendly wave, which was a little heart-warming.

I arrived at school just a few minutes before the bell rang, as I intended. I entered my form room; some people glanced over at me but nothing was said. I sat down in my seat at the side of the classroom. I began to take out my planner when I noticed her walk throught the door with her three followers.

"Oh shit..."

Grace. It was Grace. She wasn't very graceful though. She was already launching at me before I had time to stand up. She plunged at me, knocking me off my chair and causing me to bang into the wall behind me. The class chorused 'ooh' as I fell, but still Grace continued. She kicked the chair and one leg hit me in the face, another digging into my chest and the actual chair collapsed on me. She then put her weight on the chair; agonizing pain flumed across me. I held in my screams and cries, just to show her that I could stand up to it. Grace got up from the chair and smirked.

"Hi, Rosie." She laughed. "Hope you have a good day." The three girls behind her broke into hysterics as they went and sat down in a huddle at their desks. People were giggling, others looked concerned, others looked shocked, others looked oblivious. I didn't care. I struggled to my feet and put the chair back upright. I sat back on the chair just as our form tutor walked into class.

She was a shifty character. Quite tough, she always found something to shout about. She saw me slouched in my seat with my head on the desk.

"Rosie!" She snapped. "Sit up properly or I will tie you upright!"

I was never sure whether she was serious when she said things like that. I had never actually seen her touch a pupil, but she came up with the most bizarre and grusome punishments that I decided it was best to obey her.

Registration came to an end and I scurried to next lesson. School was so much of a drag, there was no one to speak to and nothing to do.

In my eyes, it was a place where self-esteem goes to die, and being perfect is the only way to survive.