Over and Over, Again and Again

4 ~

"You're so cowardly, you can't stand up to anyone."

The words of school bullies replayed in my head again, and I knew they were right. I left the clearing almost instantly, not because of any other desire, but simply because I was frightened.

Scared.

Scaredy cat.

I ran. I ran very fast. I don't think I have ever ran that fast before. Where was I running to? I didn't want to go home, but I was too much of a scaredy cat to go any where else. It wasn't exactly late, six o clock at the most, but I wasn't sure.

I ended up wounding around at Scott's house. I must have walked miles, only I was too lost in my own daydreams to notice.

I sat down on the doorstep. I didn't even knock.

Then Scott's mother opened the door, and seemed ever so slightly surprised to see me.

"Um, Rosie, are you okay there?" She asked me, timidly. I turned and nodded, but immediately shook my head.

"Come on inside." She said, helping me up and leading me in. She gave me a cupcake and then Scott came into the room. He asked me what was wrong, but I preferred to speak to him upstairs, away from his parents.

"I'm a coward, Scott! Anyone can see that!" I yelled, letting my emotion spill out as I slammed his bedroom door.

"No you aren't!" Scott disagreed. I continued to pace around his bedroom while he sat nervously on his bed.

"I am! I don't even have the decency to go anywhere alone. No wonder people hate me, I'm scared of everyone!"

"It's not that you are scared of them, it's because they aren't scared of you."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" I replied angrily, punching the wall. He watched me closely, probably worried that I really was going to make a hole in the wall.

"It means that they think they can walk all over you. They have no respect for you like they have respect for their friends. They aren't frightened of you, because they know that you aren't going to get them in trouble if they are nasty to you." He explained calmly.

"How can I get them to be scared of me?" I reduced my breathing rate and slowly sat on the edge of the bed.

"No, you don't need them to be scared of you, you just need to earn their respect."

"But why is it always me who people don't respect? They respect every single other person in the school except me! Why me? It is always me!" I stood up again and paced around, grabbing my wrist and pulling as though I was trying to pop my arm out of it's socket.

"No Rosie, that's not what I'm saying." Scott tried to calm me down.

"What are you saying then? Tell me what you are saying!"

He sighed. He watched me with a sense of terror in his expression, as I tootled through my bag.

"No, get out your bag." He grabbed my arm and released the bag from my grip. Out of my own self instinctive defence, I punched his hand brutally with my free hand.

"Tell me what you mean or I will break your arm!" I screamed. I wasn't sure whether I was serious, but I really couldn't control was I was doing and I might just break a bone of his.

Scott didn't speak. His arm was getting attacked but he wouldn't tell me. I was confused, mad, stressed.

"I don't know what to tell you." He finally said, in the calmest voice he could despite his painful situation. He winced in pain as I tugged mentally on his arm, unable to stop.

"Look, Rosie, I respect you, it's not your problem, its theirs. They are just stupid, immature and nasty excuses of human beings and they can't see what an amazing girl you are!" I sensed the honesty and determination in his voice, and slowly let my grasp weaken.

Scott's arm was bruised and red. there were cuts where I had dug my nails in, and rips of skin where I had twisted so violently. I stared at him in utter shock.

"I'm the one who is a horrible excuse of a human being, look at what I've done to you!" Tears burst of out my eyes, and there was nothing I could do except hug him tightly.

What a stupid and childish idiot I am. Of course violence doesn't solve anything. I have told myself that so many times.

"You are just getting worked up, just calm down, breathe, and you'll be fine." I followed his steps, slowly beginning to get better. I had forgotten about my ankle and I wasn't sure if I had done it any further damage.

"Would you like me to go and get you some ice cream?" He offered. I nodded and smiled and watched as he left the room.

"Rosie." Somebody said. I quickly looked around.

"Rosie." I came to realise that it was those voices inside my head. Were they inside my head? They were, of course; nobody else was there.

Scott returned back quickly enough and the voices disappeared. I tucked into the soothing vanilla ice cream and immediately perked up.

"Stay over here tonight if you don't feel like going home today." Scott said, kindly. I loved his way of sensing my mood and emotion so easy, and definitely said yes to his offer.

We settled into bed, Scott gave me his bed and he slept on the sofa.

"Are you cold?" I whispered after a few minutes of silence before drifting to sleep.

"No." Scott murmured sleepily.

"Oh, I'm just freezing." I curled over and dug my face into the soft smelling pillow. My body didn't become any more relaxed, but my mind was certainly at rest.