Thoughts

My Only Friend

~My Only Friend~

It's a new day, which means a new emotion. But the only emotions I have now are my thoughts that run in circles around my brain. I can't catch them and throw them out. I can't empty my head of the pain I gain each second, each minute, each hour, each god damn day.

My shadow seems to be my only friend and when the sun is directly above me, I am lonely. The only voice I can hear as I zone out is the voice in my head. The voice made up of echoes and echoes of "Smile" or "Get Better Soon!"

I can't get better without feeling more pain. I can't smile anymore because my smile has become a frown. I have tugged this mouth up so many times to the point where it is stretched out and forced to droop.

Yes, I may look sad. And yes I get told by people to 'Be happy and smile.' And that is the only time I can smile. When it is forced or fake. Just for show.

Do not tell a sad girl to 'Be happy.' Being happy is my worst fear. Being happy means everything seems so perfectly fine to the point where it hurts even more. Being happy just adds one more bullet point to the to-do list that is already 10 miles long because of all the commands I have gotten to 'Be Happy..."

I am not healthy. And I know this because every day I am told to clean my room, or come and get lunch or dinner. I don't-not clean my room because I'm lazy. I don't-not clean my room because I want to bother the hell out of you. I do not clean my room because that is how I like it. It helps me think that I am not the only fucked up thing in this small world of mine.

You have to tell me to come and eat over and over again because there are times when I purposely don't listen. I do not listen because if I eat, I feel like I'm stuffing myself with more stuff I can't handle.

You say I can't take care of myself and act as if you know what goes on in my head. It is not because I am lazy. It is not because I just don't want to do it. It is because I simply can't.

My own mind feels like a jail cell to my body. My brain cages me in a room of needles that is so close to where if I move even a muscle, I will be stabbed.

My only friend is now just the thought of a perfect friend I have in the jail cell with me.