Lily of the valley [sufin]

Chapter 5

I gripped my M/28-30 rifle firmly in my cold hands. I feel uneasy without it in this chaotic, freezing, Finnish hell. I don't think I can go anywhere without this guardian angel of mine. It has gotten me throughout this war, yesterday, today and it will tomorrow, too. White fog flew in the air as I breathed, then it disappeared. Cold breeze traveled through the trench I was sitting at, making a quite violent shiver run from head to toe. It sure as hell is cold here in Lapland. I hugged myself, trying to warm myself up. While tapping my other boot covered foot against the frosty soiled ground beneath me, I gazed up at the stars. Same time I ran a hand through my pale, blonde bangs; they were covering my sight. My eyes widened in awe. The stars. They shined so bright tonight and looked even more vivid. This is the only reason I loved to keep a watch at night.

Millions of diamond like stars danced up above, knitting together a huge net of jewels. I wished I could reach out and catch one for myself. They shined there forever, clear and bright. It is so unusually quiet and calm, the silence of this almost overwhelming. It is hard to believe that there is a war raging somewhere; that I am currently at war. That somewhere there, bombs are dropped, bullets are flying, screams are filling the air; that soon I would be in the same situation again. It felt distant, as if this was just one winter night a lifetime ago when I was a kid.

Only I wasn't anymore. I am, what everybody thinks, I should be. I am a grown man, a grown man fighting for his country. A man of guns. A man of bullets. A man of grenades. A man of innocence. A man of blood on his hands, a man of guilt. A man of honour and pride. A man of nothingness and sensitivity. A man, with a burden of killing on his shoulders. Yet I wasn't.

No, I am what everybody thinks, I shouldn't be. I am still a boy. I am still a childish boy. A boy fighting, because I have to, a boy in the war's feet. A boy, who was taken by the war, taken by the anger, taken by hatred. A boy of golden summer fields. A boy of bright summer nights. A boy of sunlight, a boy of moonlight. A boy of northern lights. A boy, mind full of dreams. A boy with a good will. A boy believing, gazing at the bright stars. This I was. And this war, is going to shatter the me, that's left. It's going to ruin it; the me, I've been creating my whole existence.

While leaning against the trench wall, deep in thought, shuffled voices snapped me out of my dreamy state. I mentally cursed for letting myself run so easily into my thoughts. I gripped my rifle tighter and held my breath, afraid of not hearing if I breathed. Soon from the entrance, crawled Berwald. The sight immediately made a smile appear on my face, and my heart leap inside my chest. Every time I saw him, my heart would play a trick or another. "Hey Ber." I said, perhaps a bit too delightfully, smiling widely I thought it would reach my ears. He walked to me, back hunched and a not ignited cigarette between his lips. I already seek for the matchbox from my front pocket.

"Hey Tino." Ber said with his basic monotonous tone. He sat next to me, his shoulder brushing mine. It made a quick, burning sensation run in my veins frantically. My heart skipped a beat, when he said my name. He hasn't said my name aloud before. My heart swelled in my chest, blood running dangerously fast. I felt my breath hitch in my throat, but I coughed it off awkwardly. I lit the match and it created a small hue in the dark trench bottom. I reached for the cigarette Berwald had. "You should get yourself matches, you know." I stated thoughtfully, as the cigarette started burning.

Now Berwald was shaking his head, contemplative look on his face. "No." He said simply refusing and inhaled the cigarette smoke, which was filling the air now. I just blinked, puzzled with the answer. I stared in confusion for a few seconds before asking.

"Why not?" I asked slowly, bemused. I looked as he blew the smoke out. In the dark, eerie ambience, I couldn't see Berwald so precisely. But I could see the outlines of his face, the moonlight illuminated slightly on both of our faces. I could see the outline of the pointy nose of his, and his thin lips blowing the smoke. His steely blue eyes glinted in the faint moonlight, behind his glasses. I knew next to me was an attractive man. I felt myself redden at the conception. I shouldn't think like that.