The Draco Malfoy Imagine Book

So here's what's been happening

Hi everyone. You must be thinking why I haven't been updating for such a long time. There's ample amount of reason. But is there any specific name given to what I'm feeling now? It's called loneliness. I don't know, I feel so lonely most of the time. At my new school (I graduate from high school this year) I feel like I don't have any friends. Of course, like, I do talk to people, but I can't express myself. These people are just mere acquaintaces. I feel like if I act like myself, my random, simple, not-very-social, cute, self, I'll be judged. Because at this age, people are expected to act maturely, they are expected to be social, ecpected to be attractive. But even if I think that at a certain extent I AM attractive, I AM mature, I DO socialise, I'm not enough. I'm not enough for people to like me, to consider me a friend. I'm not knowledgeable enough for socialising. I'm not smart enough to talk to new people. I just can't talk easily to new people. But whoever comes to me for advice, I do help them out. There are people who hate me just because I come out to be the best in class. No, I'm not being a narcissist, I'm being truthful, because it IS the truth. I work so hard, and hence the results shows in the grades. I know, these people are jealous, and 'these' include most people at school. So obviously, even if I act cool around them, I am not. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a silent, yet crowded room, shouting my lungs out and nobody listens to me. That's because I don't always discuss about boyfriends and who's got more likes on instagram than whom. But who do I talk to? Nobody's there to listen. Whenever I want to give my opinion, I'm just ignored. I can always call up my best friends, but they have their own lives too. I can't always talk to them about myself. That's pure selfish. I don't want to waste my parents' time by talking about my feelings.

Yes, a common thing to hear from people is, "Love yourself, and you won't be affected by what others think of you." But I do love myself. I love myself to such an extent that I am afraid of hurting the same myself when I express this myself. I am still working on how not to be bothered by what others think of me. People say I have nothing to worry about, because I'm better than others, and even if I DO believe that, I find this constant urge to prove my importance. To the haters, who hate me. I try to prove that I'm not a person who should be hated. I don't know why. I want to be liked. But again, people don't understand the real me. I have tried in the past to be more social, like,addicted to instagram or whatever, but it isn't me. And I constantly worry that this is one of the many reasons people won't like me. I am myself, and I am so different from others that I fear being misjudged, being unliked, and of course, hated.

Yes, so it's been hard, and it still is. I can't think imaginatively anymore. My heart's all empty: no emotions coming. It has turned into stone. If somebody asks what's wrong, well, SO much is wrong that it's difficult to verbalise. It is extremely difficult now too, but as I write, it all comes like a stream flowing relentlessly. I hope you understand why I'm not being able to update. I'm extremely sorry for my baggage. But please consider, I need a bit of me-time, so sort out myself, which feels impossible. I'll be back to writing soon, I promise.

I just hope you're with me.

Thanks.

Lots of love,
Tiasha.