The Legend of the Lampenis

Reveal of the Bubble Wrapussy

It was late on a stormy Saturday night, and the Lampenis was out in the dark, stalking for its prey. He heard a rustling in the bushes to his left, and froze in his tracks. After being caught in his fur-suit once, he couldn't afford being recognized like this again. Naturally, he rushed to the nearest lamppost and tried to hide behind it. Of course his chubby little boxed body wasn't easily hidden.
As he peeked out from behind his lamppost shield, a pair of long hairy legs stepped out of the bushes, black high heels on their feet. The legs were attached to what looked like a roll of bubble wrap, with brown puppy dogs ears on its 'head'.
Finally! He'd found someone like himself!
He jumped out from behind his lamppost in an effort to impress this possible mate, but instead he'd only succeeded in knocking her over.
"What the hell are you?!" The bubble wrap creature shrieked, scurrying to her feet to flee her cardboard attacker.
"What the hell am I?" Jeremy stopped to look over his new female counterpart. "What the hell are you?"
How rude of her, she didn't even introduce herself before insulting him.
"I'm a dog, you fucking idiot!" She hunched over, head-butting him with her plastic dog ears.
"And I'm a cat!" Jeremy burst one of his arms through the side of his box, and pointed to his furry cat ears. "See?"
There was a long and horrifically awkward silence.
"No dip-shit, I don't see, my fucking eyes are covered." This odd bubble wrapped woman appeared to have her hands on her hips, but he couldn't tell for sure.
"Noted." Jeremy took a cautious step closer to the other creature. "You sure sound awfully familiar..."
"Bubble Wrapussy attack!" The female creature screamed, sending one of her long prickly legs flying in Jeremy's direction, the heel of her shoe puncturing his cardboard armor and nailing him directly in the shin.
Of course Jeremy, being a pathetic piece of walking shit, fell to ground and nearly started crying. However his breakdown was interrupted by his clear view of this so call 'Wrapussy' slowly walking up to his sad little form, her heels clicking on the sidewalk.
Clumsily, he hurried to his feet, trying the best he could to quickly shuffle away in the restrictive cardboard. How idiotic these monsters must have looked to any passers by, just a walking box being chased down by the worlds slowest roll of bubble wrap. That slow roll of bubble wrap being Pauline Glick, he'd recognized her voice.
He could hear the click of high heels quickening behind him, and he dashed to take cover around the corner, leaning against a white picket fence. Maybe if he stayed still and silent, she wouldn't notice him, just like in those dinosaur movies! He held his breath and tried not to move.
The lanky roll of bubble wrap poked its head around the corner first, tapping her heel on the ground as she searched. "I can smell you! I know you're here somewhere, you pissed scented moron!"
"Hey! I don't smell like piss!" The urge to defend himself, outweighed Jeremy's need to stay safe.
The Wrapussy hissed like some kind of demonic snake and lunged for her target. "You're the Lampenis!" She growled, tackling him to the ground.
Being that she couldn't see, Pauline had no way of knowing that the two of them had been on a hill, and thus they tumbled to the bottom together in a heap of bubble wrap and cardboard.
"Ah shitty shit!" The Lampenis cursed, trying his best to squirm away from the plastic bubble witch.
He wiggled his way out of his cardboard entrapment and tossed it aside. There was always another IKEA lamp box, but that bubble wrap demon was not going to get him, not that night. He raced down the sidewalk completely and utterly naked, aside from his expensive dress shoes and his $200 socks, when suddenly he was caught in a pair of head-lights.
He squinted, trying to make out whose car it could have been, when someone stepped out of the driver's side.
"OKAY, WHAT THE FUCK JER?!" He heard Trager's yell, as the outline of the man walked closer to him, finally becoming recognizable in the light of a street lamp.
Damn it, not again!
"First you're dressin up in a lamp box with your baby carrot sized dick hangin out, and now what?!" Rick pinched the bridge of his nose with a frustrated sigh. "You're going for jogs butt-ass naked?"
"Rick, listen, there's a fucking-" He was interrupted by the sound of heels, furiously clacking down the sidewalk.
"IT'S A DEMON!" Trager screamed, pointing at the bubble wrap mass that was hurling itself towards them.
Jeremy turned to get into Rick's car, but he felt a firm grip on his shoulders pull him back.
"Take em!" Trager shouted, shoving Jeremy towards the creature before jumping in his car and speeding off without a second thought.