Washington Roiled By Stunning Allegations

In Shocking Turn, Kentucky Senator Revealed As Turtle

Washington, DC.-Released diary pages Thursday from the office of Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell appear to document the senator's fears of his colleagues realizing that he is an Eastern Boxwood turtle dressed an aging white man from Kentucky.

In various passages, McConnell details the intricate steps taken to hide his true identity, including the advanced prosthetics and injections of highest quality Eastern European black-market steroids to maintain the disguise. A ledger, discovered in the last few pages of the diary, cleverly masquerading as a copy of the latest Senate healthcare bill, show transactions between the 75-year old Kentucky senator and a Georgetown drug ring, funneled through a drop site behind a certain gravesite in Arlington.

"These revelations are startling, and simply an attempt at character assassination," said John Cornyn, R-TX during a press conference held early Friday. "My colleague Senator McConnell is a man of respect, and morals, and this leak is only another example of the liberal media to discredit a honorable man."

Others however, hold a different view, with an anonymous staffer commented on the sheer amount of fallen fruits, earthworms, and grasses requested by McConnell throughout the day. "The Senator has a real taste of the cherry blossoms every April, and if you rub him in just the right place on his shell, I mean, chest, he really enjoys that," the staffer continued. "Absolutely not a turtle."

"Oh, of course he's a turtle," said Charlie Grey, a resident of Louisville. "There's no doubt. I see his morning course of mushrooms and grubs and then his daily sunning sessions on a log out by the river. Home is where a man, turtle, comes to relax." Other residents echoed a similar sentiment, with more than one saying they leave out carrion when they know that the senator is holding a town hall in the area, knowing that the scent will draw him to their porches and lawns.

Senate Democrats were too busy for comment, but the general sentiment was one of mild bemusement. "I'm glad my colleague across the aisle has decided to come out," said Chuck Schumer, D-NY. "We welcome a new chapter in human-animal relations, and hope that this revelation will encourage Senate Republicans to make habitat rehabilitation a future priority."

Internal polling released shows the Americans are split on the question of whether McConnell should be removed from the chamber. 46% percent believe that having a turtle as one of the most powerful man in the country will bring a new perspective on environmental issue, while 40% believe human representatives are best to protect their interests. 14% were simply excited to be asked their opinion on anything. A press conference of the full Republican leadership from both houses of Congress is expected to take place late Friday night as representatives struggle to contain the story.