A month before i do my plan. My greatest wish, the desire of my whole existence. I can't wait for it to happen. When that day comes, i will finally be happy and content. I promised myself to leave the anxiousness and fears aside, and enjoy the remaining days of my life. So that when i'm gone, atleast i will have good memories. I will fulfill my dreams one by one until the day comes and my biggest most wanted dream will get granted.
It's a sunday, not really important, but yeah. I'm going to countdown until the time comes. I left the house for an adventure. I did not have a destination planned or what i wanted to do. Wherever my feet takes me, i guess.
Somehow i ended up in a path of a long staircase. It was very very very long. But i enjoyed it since as took the steps down, i felt like one by one, my insecurities left my soul and my heart was slowly healing. The view was breathtaking. I did not feel any exhaustion or regret but i was feeling pure bliss and fascination.
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It was so beautiful but scary at the same time. Scary because it didn't look real. Scary because this is now just one of the places where you can enjoy the sunset and breathe fresh air and not polluted, dark, dirty air without noisy and busy people blabbering. I felt numinous. As i took more steps, i noticed that it actually lead to a beach. Ahh, the ocean. I remember back then, my mom compared me to the ocean.
*flashback*
I stare at awe at the beautiful view of the ocean. I've always admired the way it looks. How breathtaking it is. It was ethereal, i thought. I notice my mom looking at me with a smile, clearly seeing fondness through her beautiful pearly white teeth. "Dear, what do you think about the ocean?" she asked with a smile still on her pretty face. "Me? Well, i think it's very pretty mommy. It's so beautiful if it were a person, i'd marry it!" i said with excitement as my mom laughs. I laugh too. She paused for a moment. "Well, i can compare you to the ocean, dear." my eyes furrow in confusion. Me? And the ocean? How? She seems to understand my reaction when she answered. "Well, as you can see, the ocean is such a relaxing place. You can go to it when you're down, when you're happy. Or simply just because you want some rest. It's a very comforting place. And just seeing it makes you feel like home. That's what i feel when i see you, Aspyn."
*end of flashback*
Well now, i can add something to her description about 'me and the ocean'. It may seem beautiful and comforting and calm on the outside, but when you take a closer look, you actually don't know what's on the inside. It's wonderful beauty might lure you in, but you don't know what's in those deep waters. You don't know the full story. And when you do, you immediately want to get out. The ocean has many secrets, but people only focus on it's beauty. You might think that it's always 'perfect' and 'effortlessly beautiful' but it's actually slowly breaking apart deep down. It used to be adored by many people, but now people hated it. They would throw trash around it and help eachother tear it apart. Eventually it'll give up and break free.
That's how i see it. But those words, i will forever cherish. Because those were the last things my mom told me. Before she surrendered her life to the world because of my father. She killed herself. Without me knowing. One day, i was just called and they told me that my mother had passed away.
My dad hurt her. She suffered so much, but hid all of it with a smile. She had all this pain pushing her down but she managed to give me a sweet and warm smile whenever our eyes met, and i believed those. Lies. They're all lies. But sometimes lying isn't because of your own greed. It's to make people think you're fine. So they won't judge you anymore. Those were my mom's pretty little lies.
That's how i ended up living with her. I never called her 'mother' or 'mom', because she will never be my mom. My mom is a strong, brave, and loving woman. Not like her, selfish, greedy, awful lady. She's my father's mistress. His other lady. My mother loved him so much, that even though he hurt her in front of her eyes, she blinded herself and only saw the things she loved in him. In those beautiful eyes. But being blinded is bad. My mother died because she found out that my father has another woman. As if it wasn't bad enough, my dad took all of my mother's money and used it for his own entertainment. He used illegal drugs, had illegal transactions, spent money on drinking. He was a bastard.
She only took me because she knew i had money. So she did. She used all the money my mother worked blood sweat and tears on. She smoked cigars and drank all day. My father died after a year my mother passed away because of lung cancer.
Maybe that's why my mom made my name like that. Aspyn Oceane Bauer. People think they know me by one glance, but i'm a mess under all that beauty.
